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Jeez, I am such an idiot some times. Actually most of the time. Maybe my mom was right and I could use some help but it's no fair.
So get this, you all have probably heard of Steve, the guy I dated for what seems like ever. So I broke up with him and cuz I didn;t love him. NOw though, he says he thinks hes in love with one of my friends. Not so much a close friend, I don't really have close friends but still. It hurts so much to think of them getting together I cannot stand it.
I'm sure this is completely unreasnoble since I was the one who started the break up, and the one who said we had to stay broken up when he wanted to get back together. Then I am the one who yells and screams at him the other day becuase I am upset. I'm the one who told him to go Fuck the other person ang then die.
I'm the one who got chewed out by my mom.
While I stared at the cieling.
I'm the one who apologized for yelling today.
He's the one who said he forgave me.
I'm the one who always brings up the person he likes.
I'm the one who said they should date.
Now I feel like crap
sitting here rememebring everything I told him to do
and its just not fair. I don't want him back, I dont want to marry him, or live with him. Or be with him forever, I just don't want to give him up so easily. Especially not to my friend. Because then they'll be together, and I'll be the asshole who doesn't have any friends, and now cannot even say one person loves me. Becuase Steve won't be mine anymore. It's no fair.
Again, I am sitting here crying, thinking about how much this hurts. Because I want to keep what was never mine. And I wnat to be selfish, like a little kid, and not share my toys with anyone, even if it isn't a toy I like.
I don't want someone to tell me it will all be alright, or that it is my fault. Or even jsut about anything. I just want the pain to go away. Logically I know that it will because it always does. However at the same time I know a way to make it go away. And I wish I could just drink like all the other kids in my class to forget my problems and all the pain. But I cannot, and I know where to get drugs but I can't becuase I am a chicken. Then suicide seems so appealing, and yet not. Becuase I don't want to die.
At youth group once at church, they had two former drug addicts come talk to us once. Mostly the guys talked about their expieriences and coming clean and god. But one thing the guys said really sticks in my mind. He said it's not that we want to do drugs anymore, or that we want to drink, or that we want to smoke. All we want is to change the way we feel. Drugs are just the easiest way to change how a person feels.
Right now I would even take the empty blank feeling I know a way to get, over the gnawing pain chewing up my stomach and insides.
I'm sorry to cry to you all, but I didn't know who else to ramble to, because I don't want people here to tattle to my parents, or do anything like that.
And despite what I know you guys will say, this is my fault. It's my creation, my fault, and my doing entirely.
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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