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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13818
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I have wondered about this very recently. I was genuinely homophobic. Actually that is a stupid word. It means "Fear of the same thing" not fear of homosexuals. I was homosexual-phobic.
I was afraid of homosexual men.
As a teenager I was afraid of being propositioned by anyone. Well anyone except those I wanted to proposition myself. They were universally only marginally older than me to about 4 years younger. But those I did not lust after were completely unacceptable. The idea was revolting and I was vehemently not interested.
As a young adult the very thought of homosexuality repulsed me. This was not a sexual thing. Gay sex was neither to be desired nor feared. I think it was "queers", "poofs", "Nancy boys" and the horrible way my father used the words that made me view it with disgust.
This is, now, quite hard to reconcile with the fact that I am quite simply "queer", or "One of them"!
As a student I was propostioned on a station platform. Oddly it was my mother who reminded me of this. I was appalled, disgusted and afraid.
At the ripe old age of 28 I shared a room like so many of us did who worked as computer salesmen with a male and very gay colleague at a trade show in the hotel by the business centre. Room sharing was company policy. He was actually not bad looking. I was afraid of him. I did not fear that he was after my body, nor that he wanted to seduce me in any way at all. I was simply afraid of "him", or of homosexuality, perhaps.
It strikes me that I have been afraid of homosexuality all my life until 1998 when I first made contact with outher homosexual men online and started to be able to get free of the odd terrors that my life up to that poiont had been built around.
I know what it feels like, I think, to be so afraid of homosexuality that I would consider lashing out physically at a homosexual man. The whole subject creeped me out so thoroughly I was ready for "fight or flight" when "near one".
And all through this period I was deeply, appallingly obsessed with my love and total sexual desire for John primarily and desife for prettty muchy any really cute young man I saw. And I knew precisley what sexual acts I wanted to perform and fantasised about them. Trust me, this was full on gay fantasy!
I am half posting this to see what you all think, and the other half is posting it to let others with the same terror of homosexuality while being homosexual feel less alone. Yup, there is another angst ridden guy out there too!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I grew up afraid of many things. But why? 
