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Some may remember that I first started posting here - in Feb last year - because I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that my first relationship many years ago was - in essence - abusive. To re-cap: the guy - who I've called W. - was four or five years older than me, and took an interest in me (and a bunch of other younger boys). I was 13 when we started hanging out together, had been emotionally, verbally and physically (not sexually) abused by my father, and my parents were going through a rather messy divorce. Looking back, I needed/wanted an older man to love me & cherish me. I already knew that I was - at least largely - gay.
So I fell in love with W. Eventually we started having sex ... although it was often rather rushed and furtive. For what it's worth, my first orgasm was with W., rather than at my own hands. The relationship continued after W. left school and went to a local college. Gradually, we stopped doing things together (concerts, walks, etc) - stopped almost everything but sex. So - aged 15 - I asked to stop the sex for a while, to concentrate on the relationship. And it got rather unpleasant ... W. scared me badly by being physically insistent (not far short of attempted rape) that afternoon, wouldn't meet me in a safe place to start re-building the relationship (but wanted to meet me "just the two of us" at his place, which I refused). Eventually he wrote a hysterical letter to my mother, which fortunately I intercepted before she read it (he had distinctive handwriting and typically used bright green writing paper and envelopes).
I saw him - although not to speak to - just once more. I'd gone back to school (founders' day kind of event) as my younger brother and various friends were ending the U6th and had various bits of work in exhibitions at the school. I saw W. (by then aged around 24/25) disappearing round the far end of the chapel, accompanied by a small and obviously adoring flock of 13-year-olds.
It took me thirty-five years to really accept that this relationship was - at heart - abusive, and that while I had been uncritically and head-over-heels in love with W., his feelings for me were not of the same kind - although I do think he cared for me in many ways. And I'm grateful to the help that timmy and others on this board - and the shrink I was seeing at the time - gave me in coming to terms with this, and starting to be able to move forward.
So, why am I posting this now?
A few days ago, I had a message via "an old-school-friends site" from W. In some ways, good news - he's living with a boyfriend (so presumeably is not still exclusively hung up on adolescents). He has given up the leisure past-time which brought him into regular contact with adolescents. That is all a great relief to me!
However, he seems keen to get back in touch with me "after over 35 years" (he's right - it will be 36 years at the end of October since we split up) - he's given me his work e-mail (but he can only contact me through the site - although I'm not hard to find in the phonebook or via online search engines).
I'm really mixed up about this !!!
He could be just wanting to see someone he has fond memories of, forgetting or overlooking the unpleasant nature of our break-up. Or he could want to clear the air - maybe he in some way doesn't feel he acted appropriately all those years ago and has some idea of sorting things out. Or maybe he feels that I didn't act appropriately, and there is unfinished business. Oh, and my own profile on the site describes me as "Out and Proud, currently unpartnered", if that has any relevance.
Should I ignore the message? Message back saying I don't want to meet him (there is, of course, still a risk of running into him at school functions)? Meet him, and tell him that it's a one-off?
I'm much too close to all this, and emotional still, to think clearly. I'd really welcome any comments or thoughts from anyone ... like I said, I'm feeling fragile about it so please be rather gentle with me, guys!
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: NW on Sun, 27 August 2006 22:15 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: timmy on Sun, 27 August 2006 22:21 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: marc on Sun, 27 August 2006 23:09 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
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I think that the advice of all the previous posters is valid
By: cossie on Mon, 28 August 2006 01:47 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: Nigel on Mon, 28 August 2006 06:25 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: JFR on Mon, 28 August 2006 07:37 |
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…you leave no room for curiosity…
By: Nigel on Mon, 28 August 2006 09:06 |
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Hmm
By: Deeej on Mon, 28 August 2006 11:11 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: NW on Thu, 31 August 2006 10:33 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: marc on Thu, 31 August 2006 10:57 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: NW on Thu, 31 August 2006 11:04 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: marc on Thu, 31 August 2006 12:48 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: timmy on Thu, 31 August 2006 11:03 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: NW on Thu, 31 August 2006 11:16 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: marc on Thu, 31 August 2006 12:50 |
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Re: ... dog returns to its vomit ...?
By: timmy on Thu, 31 August 2006 13:05 |
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