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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Hi,
I like your site very much. I have read most of the stories and poetry. It's tight to be able to read about guys like me. Thanks so much .
I read Quondam Manitou's tribute to a friend,"Words Can't Express"
It's a lot like what happened to me. I wrote Quondam an email but it was returned "undeliverabe" Below is what I wrote. Thought you might be able to pass it on to him.
Will
Hi Quondam,
I read your tribute,"Words Can't Express" today. It was so close to what happened to me at the end of school in June. Schools starts tomorrow. I'm not sure how I will feel walking those halls again. This has been a summer of accepting myself. It has been a hard battle, and far from won. Sometimes I feel good but most of the time I'm depressed.
I wrote this poem about the boy I love. I would like to share it with you and maybe you can share it with your friend who loved Olly.
Silent Love
There is a boy I like a lot
Every moring I wait by our lockers
Just to catch a glimpse of you
On my heart your face is etched
I ache to tell you of my love
Your response I cannot chance
I cannot tell my dreams for us
More than once I thought to tell
Only on paper I can speak
When I see you I always smile
If you see me you smile back
And all that day I float on air
I love your eyes green like jade
On some days your eyes were sad
School this year is nearly done
My heart is flip flopping
I have to do something
Your four years are done here
I made up my mind
It would be today I talk to you
Please hurry before I lose my courage
I find a letter in my locker
There I wait for you to show
Who is it from I do not know
I waited till the second bell
But you never did show
I got to homeroom just on time
Thinking of you still lying in bed
I wasn't listening to the PA today
Till I heard your beautiful name
I heard a gasp go through the class
Did you do something really tight
Why are all the girls crying
I heard the words,you are dead
It can't be true,I'm still asleep
From a nightmare I dare not wake
My head is spinning,I cannot see
I cannot breathe,it cannot be
A friend of mine is shaking me
He is asking "are you okay"
All I can do is shake my head
I cannot stand,I lean on him
He pulls me out into the hall
When all is well were grown up
When we hurt we're kids again
My friend and I are pulled apart
The mass of others carry me along
My tears are falling,where do I go
I see a bench,reach it I must
They are here,his closest friends
They are in shock as much as I
His best friend is falling apart
In his hand he has a paper
I look down,see in my hand
The letter from my locker
Crumbled in my hand
I look at his friend and the letter
I look at mine,it's the same color
With trembling hands I tear it open
I look at the bottom I see his name
From the top I read his words
"I'm not sure if you know who I am
when I dare to look at you
I always saw you were smiling
I hung around our lockers
Waiting to catch a glimpse of you
Trying to get the nerve to speak
Twice I did follow you home
Too far back for you to know
I wanted so bad to run to you
Your response I could not chance
If only I knew you are like me
No one will hold me if they find what I am
I am so lonely it hurts like hell
If only one guy who is like me
Would reach out and talk
I'm so scared I don't dare
I'm so sorry what I write
I have to tell you
How much I Love You
Please don't hate me
Cause I'm queer
I rather be dead then live like this"
I cannot believe he loved me
Now the truth is sinking in
The boy I adored was in love with me
Had I told him I Love You
He would be alive and in my arms
I feel it from deep inside
My chest is tight
My throat is dry
What erupts is a primal scream
Through my tears shouting our pain
His name was Mike. The words in the poem aren't exactly but are close to the letter he wrote me.
How can I put this behind me? You are the first person I have told this. I know you will understand and I need to tell someone.
Thank you for telling about your friend, it helps to know I'm not alone.
Will
Timmy from IOMFATS wrote back and suggested I post this here. This summer I have read a lot of online stories about guys like me. Some have happy endings and I hope I will have one too, but I don't think I will. Right now I am so confused and I can't stop thinking I lost the one chance to love and be loved when Mike died. If only I had the couage to talk to him. School started today, it was bad. I can't tell anyone about Mike cause no one knows I'm gay. I know for sure my family will throw me out and I don't have any close friends anymore cause I"m scared to get close to anyone for fear they might figure out my secret. Guess that's why I never spoke to Mike and maybe why he didn't speak to me. The line, "your response I cannot chance" says so much. I feel like I'm a coward for hiding who I am but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight everyone who will hate me if I come out. I feel so lost, so detached from everyone and every part of life.
I don't know what else to write. Just needed someone to know
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It hurts so much
By: Will on Wed, 06 September 2006 06:31 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: timmy on Wed, 06 September 2006 08:04 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: Nigel on Wed, 06 September 2006 08:20 |
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Re: It hurts so much
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Re: It hurts so much
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Hello
By: Deeej on Wed, 06 September 2006 13:11 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: ZeroGrav on Wed, 06 September 2006 14:18 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: kupuna on Wed, 06 September 2006 17:53 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: marc on Wed, 06 September 2006 21:02 |
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Thank you everyone
By: Will on Thu, 07 September 2006 04:09 |
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Re: Thank you everyone
By: timmy on Thu, 07 September 2006 06:32 |
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Re: Thank you everyone
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Re: It hurts so much
By: Navyone on Thu, 07 September 2006 19:17 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: saben on Fri, 08 September 2006 06:59 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: Will on Fri, 08 September 2006 19:10 |
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Time for reflection
By: timmy on Fri, 08 September 2006 21:22 |
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Re: Time for reflection
By: marc on Fri, 08 September 2006 21:57 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: kupuna on Sat, 09 September 2006 01:15 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: ZeroGrav on Sat, 09 September 2006 03:45 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: saben on Sat, 09 September 2006 08:17 |
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Re: It hurts so much
By: ZeroGrav on Fri, 08 September 2006 15:10 |
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Re: It hurts so much
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Re: It hurts so much
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It Means A Lot
By: Will on Sat, 09 September 2006 17:03 |
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Re: It Means A Lot
By: timmy on Sun, 10 September 2006 07:46 |
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Re: It Means A Lot
By: saben on Sun, 10 September 2006 10:34 |
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