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This is the sort of post that historically I would have typed into a journal (not that I actually write a journal, but it would have been a word-processor document that served the same purpose, and, afterwards, I would either have deleted it or saved it somewhere on my hard disc, never to be read again). But I thought I'd post it here, because it's -- well, there's no reason really. To be honest, it's selfish of me. I suppose my only real question is whether this happens to everyone from time to time. I expect I'll pass out of this state soon enough and then I'll be able to rationalise away the rest of my worries.
Every so often I find myself in a sort of melancholic state in which I think about the things I've had in the past, those I've lost, and those that I'm likely to be able to achieve in the future. That is how I'm feeling at the moment. Almost invariably, when I feel this way, I feel like I don't have as much now as I did then -- though, quantifiably speaking, I still have my family, old friends, my health, my (relative) youth, etc. Oddly enough it's not really unpleasant. It would be if it went on for ever (like depression), but, provided it doesn't last longer than a couple of hours, it generates a strangely reflective and self-aware feeling. Perhaps even, to use a word I don't identify with most of the time, a "spiritual" one.
I think it has been brought on by the fact that it's the end of term and most people have gone home. I haven't quite gone home yet (I will do today or tomorrow) and thus it's a bit lonely. There's a strong sense of time passing, for it seems only a couple of weeks ago that term started. Today it's also motivated by the fact that I got out of bed at lunchtime; if I sleep in late I dream a lot, and today the dreams were particularly vivid. Most of my dreams are sufficiently rooted in reality that I can tell which elements came from where, so remembering them afterwards makes me feel rather nostalgic. Childhood, school, a sort of youthful exuberance that doesn't actually seem to work in the adult world (the feeling that magic could actually exist, that God could exist -- these feelings are only possible for me in film, literature and dreams nowadays).
Oh, and my sexuality. I have to resign myself to the thought that, unless I'm very lucky, it's unlikely that I will ever have a long-term relationship with someone I find especially physically attractive (either male or female). Of course love goes far beyond that, but so far I have only really experienced lust, never love -- what if I never do experience love?
It's also almost dark outside, which, considering I've only been awake three hours, is sort of depressing. It must have started getting dark about the point I woke up.
Finally, I'm listening to random pop (love/sad) songs on my computer. Why do so many pop songwriters rely principally on minor chords? Because it's the easiest way of evoking a mood, I suppose, and it's simpler to write in a minor key. I'm inclined to do the same myself if I'm at a piano and feeling like this. But it's still somewhat lazy. I haven't tried to find something better because, in an odd sort of way, they feel appropriate.
David
[Updated on: Sat, 16 December 2006 16:57] |
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Melancholy
By: Deeej on Sat, 16 December 2006 16:51 |
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Re: Melancholy
By: Deeej on Sat, 16 December 2006 17:32 |
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Re: Melancholy
By: Nigel on Sat, 16 December 2006 20:53 |
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Re: Melancholy
By: timmy on Sat, 16 December 2006 21:06 |
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Lust vs. like
By: Deeej on Sun, 17 December 2006 00:37 |
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Re: Lust vs. like
By: NW on Sun, 17 December 2006 01:10 |
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Re: Lust vs. like
By: Deeej on Sun, 17 December 2006 15:11 |
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Friendship with benefits
By: timmy on Mon, 18 December 2006 00:39 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: NW on Mon, 18 December 2006 00:57 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: tBP on Mon, 18 December 2006 23:08 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: Deeej on Mon, 18 December 2006 23:40 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: timmy on Tue, 19 December 2006 07:38 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: marc on Tue, 19 December 2006 07:56 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: timmy on Tue, 19 December 2006 08:00 |
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Re: Friendship with benefits
By: Aussie on Tue, 19 December 2006 08:42 |
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Re: Lust vs. like
By: NW on Mon, 18 December 2006 01:28 |
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Re: Melancholy
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