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Of all the people I judge, I judge myself most [message #43006]

Thu, 14 June 2007 18:09

saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537

And right now I need some reassurance. It's not often I post here. And it's very infrequently that I start topics. But I really need to say this.

I'm shit scared.

It's exam time and I'm shit scared. Some of you may remember my post 6 months ago, when I was being threatened with being kicked out of Uni for failing. Well, I attended the Committee hearing and with a note from my councellor I was allowed to re-enroll conditional on part-time enrollment. They allowed me to do 3 subjects (originally it was 2, but I appealed for the 3rd subject so I could continue getting my government payments- a full time job and 2 subjects is more of a workload than 3 subjects).

Anyway. The message was pretty clear, they'd give me a third chance but if I failed a third semester in a row I'd pretty much be walking.

So here I am at the third semester. I took a dual-enrollment Japanese subject (counts as 2 subjects) and Syntax this semester. If I fail 50% or more of my course load then I am gone. Which basically means I have to pass Japanese, but I can fail Syntax (although I don't want to I probably have, I somehow got my dates wrong- I thought the exam was tomorrow, it was last Friday).

So it's riding on Japanese. I sat the exam today, it's worth 45% of my marks. So far for the subject out of the 55% assessed so far my score is 30%. Meaning I need 20/45 in the exam to pass. I can have failed the exam and still pass the subject. Yet I can't help but be paranoid and shit myself. I highly doubt, on a logical level that I failed the exam. But I didn't feel confident either. Usually I ace exams, I can walk out knowing that I have got at least a 75%. I didn't have that feeling today. I was unsure. Maybe that uncertainty puts me in 60-70% territory, it's unfamiliar territory to me. Maybe it's what other students are used to. But to me it's alien and worrying. I can't help but think of all the questions I didn't answer or the ones I guessed at. I answered less than half the test, probably 20% was unanswered and the rest, was educated deduction and some guess work. I'm frazzled and worried.

If I pass, it's no problem, I can keep on going with Uni. Keep on making progress- I did improve this semester compared to last. I am pulling myself out of the ditch I dug myself. Things are good compared to last year. But still shaky.

If I have failed. That's it. I'm gone. I won't know what to do. Ryan said "we'll cross that bridge if we come to it", but I'm as likely to jump off the bridge screaming.

I was late to every test this semster, including the final exam. Every piece of assessment was handed in late. But at least most were handed in. Which is an improvement.

It's just hard to focus on the good now. I almost feel like throwing up.

I'm doing my head in, probably over nothing. I hate passing. I have to admit I like it more than failing. But I want to succeed again, not just pass. Being borderline is far too stressful.

Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway

		Of all the people I judge, I judge myself most By: saben on Thu, 14 June 2007 18:09
		Re: Of all the people I judge, I judge myself most By: NW on Thu, 14 June 2007 18:40
		Re: Of all the people I judge, I judge myself most By: saben on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:07
		University and the secret to success... By: marc on Thu, 14 June 2007 18:47
		Re: University and the secret to success... By: jack on Thu, 14 June 2007 18:52
		Jack..... By: marc on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:22
		Re: Jack..... By: jack on Sun, 17 June 2007 13:50
		Re: Jack..... By: marc on Mon, 18 June 2007 00:01
		Re: Jack..... By: jack on Mon, 18 June 2007 08:43
		Re: Jack..... By: timmy on Mon, 18 June 2007 08:48
		just to clarify..... By: marc on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:02
		Re: just to clarify..... By: saben on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:11
		Re: just to clarify..... By: marc on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:21
		Re: just to clarify..... By: tBP on Thu, 14 June 2007 19:38
		Re: just to clarify..... By: saben on Fri, 15 June 2007 03:00

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