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Why?
Why do we do this to ourselves ?
Why do we try to explain who we are ?
Why do we try an justify what we like ?
Why do we ask so many questions ?
And the list goes on...
I have been visiting here for about 4 months now and a lot of what I have read and seen is, self questioning, on one level or another. It just seems to be what we do.
But why do we do this is my question. Do we feel that we are no good enough, do we feel like we do not make enough of an impression, or do we just feel to much ?
I went on a blind date on Saturday past, with a guy that contacted me over the web. He is a really nice guy, good looking, loving heart, creative personality. In all a genuine guy.
And from what I can tell he really likes me.
He wants to see me again, and I think that he would like a relationship to develop, but I don't know if I can do it.
I am scared, of what I have no clue, but I am. I think that it may be the prospect of a "real" something. And I do not feel that I am ready for it.
I live on the what if, and I am sure that you all know what I mean by this :
What if it does not work ?
What if he hurts me ?
What if I hurt him?
AGAIN WITH THE QUESTIONS !!!
I do not love him, but after one "date" I knew that I wouldn't. Love is like a seed. First you need to plant it, then you need to nurture it, watch it grow. It may not be anything special at first, but you trim and groom it to be something special, ONE OF A KIND.
Now using the above in relative terms, I do not have the energy. I do not want to plant and water and cut and trim and groom. I'm really not sure if I want at all anymore.
As you all may have gathered I am very cynical and always go to the negative, I know it is bad and I truly have tried to stop myself from doing it but its almost like a drug, I just can not seem to get myself out the deep end of the hole that I threw myself into.
I love the people that I spend time with and I love what I do and how I do it. In short I think that I am quite selfish, I do not want to loose what I have or even change the way it works, I am "HAPPY". Or am I ?
I feel like the great book of questions and my book of answers has been lost to me forever, I feel like I will never find the answers I want. I feel lost. Lost on a road with no sign posts, no maps, no names, no happy faces, no blue sky, no white lines, no... no... nothing.
In fact I feel like I am going round in circles, and they just keep getting closer and closer together until one day I am going to be standing still.
I hate this feeling, I want to cry all the time, and I think that once I do it will all be better and I can move on, but it never seems to work.
I know that if things are easy all the time, it would just be boring, and then I would more than likely be bitching about that. But just once, one time could I not just have it my way...
Oh well and life goes on.
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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