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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13828
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I hate the fact that I was, by circumstances, wholly unable to talk properly to any of the boys I was attracted to, and that society trained their potential bad rejection had I done so.
This has all come about in my head because I have, for the past eight weeks, travelled almost daily to the town I went to school in, and past the homes at the time of the three boys who were the absolute main ones I was attracted to. Everything these past weeks, and for a few weeks yet to come I fear, has been reminding me constantly of how much I created a world of my own where I lived in apparent contentment, secure in the fabricated "love" from those three boys.
As I think it through it was a ridiculous behaviour, even to start, but fantasy does that.
The reality is far harsher. While I am convinced that the first, John, had some sort of feelings of friendship, perhaps even homoerotic thoughts, towards me, I don't think he necessarily liked me. Yet I pretended he did, or could, or would. Those thoughts were enough to sustain me, and yet harm me at the same time. He is the reason this site exists, and yet I wish that it had no need to be here.
The second, Fraser, was a younger boy in my house (John was also in my house and a little older), striking in appearance, of great personality and fun to talk to. I liked Fraser as a person and I think he liked me, yet senior boys were not able to be friends with junior boys in those days. He was happy, carefree, outgoing, and just plain good company when I could contrive it. He was wholly heterosexual. I made up any possibility of his being the least bit interested in me.
The third, Paul, was a mystery. He was four years my junior, and I never knew him or anything much about him. He was in a different house, and we were not encouraged to mix between houses. He was stunning to look at, and he flirted with me. That was bizarre in itself. Why would he do that? As time passes I realise that he flirted with everyone because he was a flirt. He didn't even have to know you to flirt with you, he was just outgoing and flirted. It was highly unlikely to have been sexually motivated, it was just his way. Naturally the flirting stirred my doe eyed worship of him from afar.
It's been against this backdrop of three boys whose existence I allowed to affect me that I have been visiting the hospital, and it's been horrible. I both hate it and also love the fraudulent memories I constructed of the times that were 42 years ago.
But there is something that will come out of it. I have made the decision to submit an article to my old school magazine, the alumni magazine, describing something of my experiences at the school against a backdrop of how times and attitudes have changed. I've no idea if they'll publish it, and I know it has missed this year's edition. If they publish it then I will be pretty much "out" formally. And that is neither important nor unimportant. I might even discover who longed for me at the time. I bet I loathed him.
[Updated on: Tue, 17 July 2007 12:45]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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