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With all the blood spilling crap occurring in this godforsaken rancid hellhole of a world. I had forgotten how much I needed someone. Not a big deal really on the scale of things, with all the bad stuff (understatement, granted) surrounding us, one person's loneliness is not that important. But I do need someone, and I am ashamed to admit that, for as long as I remember solitude has been such a indestructible armour for me
So I go searching every waking hour for that person, and once again that mission embodies everything important to me. Nothing else seems to matter, and that quite frankly pisses me off. The sleepless nights, the itchy eyes, the wandering through everyday life without due care and attention, all reminiscent of my younger years. Everything seems to have come full circle. Why is it that the past comes back to haunt you? Maybe I was foolish enough to actually think that it was a phase, that it would pass, that I was not gay.
Arrgh! As I type out these words I feel the most asphyxiating guilt, why is my problem so bloody important...all the people being hurt, and maimed, being raped and murdered, all those people being infected by the foulness of this world, being mutilated by the cruel hands of humanity. Why are my 'cry-baby' problems so freaking huge to me??? Can someone answer that?, because I sure as hell can't.
There was a time that I saw the good in people, such a time I wish I could relive. I was so innocent and naive, so full of wander about the world and its people, but that all went to shit. I saw this rotten mishmash of civilisation in its true colours, I saw the blood and I heard the screaming, and that engulfed me. I didn't care about love and kindness anymore, and I was okay with that. I didn't want to feel excitement, or experience happiness I wanted to just live and die as painfully as possible.
I want to be loved, and to be held close. But there is something malevolent inside me, something that screams at me from within, it grinds and carves my insides, it makes me want to obliterate humanity, every last snivelling living thing. I want to tear out every single beating heart and slam them into the ground. I want to litter the ground with corpses. Because each and everyone of them is capable of such evil, such wickedness, that none of them deserve to breathe.
Love isn't that important to me anymore, part of me thinks that it is more of a human failing than anything else, you know some kind of chemical malfunction.
Every night I pray to god, to allah, to krishna, to any sod who will listen. I beg and plead to be allowed to die. I beg for the pain, Nothing. Makes me think about our alleged benevolent creator, it makes me think of how much a sick fuck, voyeur and a sadist he is. A body who gets off on the suffering of, I mean supposedly it is his world, and he's raping it raw.
No one it seems can tell me why I feel like this.
People tell me I should be glad to be alive, but all I feel is an intoxicating hate. Someone better end me soon, or I fear the whole world will pay in blood.
"In the bedroom, a woman wants a man who knows how to ride her when she bucks." - Queen Latifah.
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I can't think how to headline this...
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Re: I can't think how to headline this...
By: acam on Sun, 06 January 2008 13:46 |
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Headlines can be fun ...
By: cossie on Mon, 07 January 2008 06:22 |
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Re: I can't think how to headline this...
By: timmy on Mon, 07 January 2008 07:48 |
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Hmm...
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Re: Hmm...
By: timmy on Mon, 07 January 2008 18:01 |
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Re: Hmm...
By: Edward on Mon, 07 January 2008 20:32 |
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Re: Hmm...
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Obviously
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
By: acam on Mon, 07 January 2008 19:42 |
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
By: acam on Mon, 07 January 2008 22:04 |
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
By: timmy on Mon, 07 January 2008 22:41 |
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Thank you, guys...
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Re: Thank you, guys...
By: timmy on Tue, 08 January 2008 07:55 |
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Re: Getting somewhere
By: acam on Tue, 08 January 2008 09:48 |
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Re: Obviously, you're in need of professional help.
By: NW on Tue, 08 January 2008 14:31 |
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More random thoughts ...
By: cossie on Tue, 08 January 2008 01:49 |
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Are you sure you're only eighteen?
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Re: Are you sure you're only eighteen?
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Wanting to change things
By: timmy on Tue, 08 January 2008 14:51 |
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Does not shock me at all.
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Re: Does not shock me at all.
By: timmy on Tue, 08 January 2008 15:04 |
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Re: I can't think how to headline this...
By: JFR on Tue, 08 January 2008 15:31 |
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Doors do not always 'bang' when they close...
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Re: Doors do not always 'bang' when they close...
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I think you came here looking for a pity party - Good line!
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Re: I think you came here looking for a pity party - Good li
By: timmy on Tue, 08 January 2008 17:19 |
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Thank You, Timmy. I like it here.
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Re: I think you came here looking for a pity party - Good line!
By: Benji on Tue, 08 January 2008 17:19 |
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AFNMBG...I like it.
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Re: AFNMBG...I like it.
By: timmy on Tue, 08 January 2008 17:28 |
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Good Idea.
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