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I just got home from work and a thought came to my mind, I don’t know where I am going or what lies over the hill. To me, at the moment, life seems very unfair and meaningless. Too many things going on, I’m finding it hard to focus in one path. See, its all about decisions, and I must admit, I have made some careless decisions in the past; no matter how hard I wish, I can’t turn back time and do it all over again. I come home - family is sleeping - and I can’t help but to feel a deep sense of sadness.
Just to give a little background. About a year ago, I decided to quit school and now I regret it deeply. More than ever I wish to back and have that opportunity once again. I know I can go again, but money is a big issue. I already have loans which I’m starting to pay back, even if it’s not a lot, still, I do need the money to survive. I could get financial aid (loans) but due to my circumstances it will be too much because tuition for out of state students its just too high. I have to live one year in a US state in order to get cheaper tuition along with state funded monetary help. Its not so easy after all.
I own a car, which is about the only thing I can call my own. Lately however, it has been given me lots of trouble, the damn thing its driving me crazy. The car is old, has too many miles, its not worth the effort I tell myself. I need it though, it’s the best way to get to work and get places, therefore, I have to fix it every time something goes wrong. Getting another car would be nice but I can’t at the moment because I don’t have enough money. Living paycheck to paycheck can be tough; it’s a little hard to plan ahead because I just don’t know if I’ll have enough money later on. Besides, I can’t afford a car payment when I have too many bills to pay.
I live with my family but they are not much help financially. In fact, they are not much help emotionally when all I hear is criticism about what I do. They work as much as I do in order to pay their bills. I love them, don’t get my wrong. They are there when I need them.
They say money doesn’t give you happiness, but it sure helps to a certain extend. I have friends, none that are close to me. I was gone for two years and things change. They all have their own lives to worry about as well as I have my own. I go out to the clubs, I see all kinds of people, yet that life doesn’t give me much satisfaction. I feel very lonely, wondering how, why, and when did I put myself on this situation. I was the boy that had hopes, the one everybody thought was going to make it. Somehow I lost track of things and things just slipped away. I was not strong enough and now its twice as hard to get out of this hole.
While I have no one to blame, but myself, I fell in love and gave everything. At my young age, I sacrificed a lot of things, and gave myself completely to someone I knew I loved. Somehow, I feel I didn’t get much in return. I forgot about me, I let things go away. When I was hurt I ran away to find nothing but more disappointments.
Sometimes I wonder…what did I do wrong? How can I smile again? How can I have hopes again?
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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