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Anthony and jack have both made me think [message #48414]

Fri, 18 January 2008 15:45

timmy

Has no life at all

Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13820

They were separate posts, but they combined in my head to mean "Do it today, this is not a dress rehearsal!"

There is a risk that this will become long and ramble! And that it will not strike a chord with anyone.

When I was a boy, I was a product of my upbringing and of my fears. I was afraid of shadows and was unable to come to terms with being gay, and wholly unable to tell the boy I loved how much he meant to me.

Instead I created a mythology that surrounded him. To me he was graceful, beautiful, wonderful, a friend, clever, funny, witty, great company, and the person I wanted to spend my life with. Look at that list. No-one is all of those things. That list is for a pet puppy!

Even so I sold this catalogue of alleged virtues to myself so well that I believed them. And, since they were now "true" I could not risk cracking the glass case I had placed him in. I feared rejection first, ridicule second, treatment for the ailment of homosexuality third.

My life is made up of terrible misfortunes, none of which has actually happened to me.

Anthony's post about the death of his friend, and Jack's questions about old heads on young shoulders started to come together here.

With my older, probably wiser head, I would have spoken to him, even back then. I know today that closure then would have stopped me from damaging myself so badly as I have by clinging to the pathetic and hopeless hope that he would, one day, see sense and love me. He would either have wanted me, or he would not. That would have been the end of it. Well, except for the ridicule, but that is bearable.

Would I have risked being sent for treatment? I have no idea. I asked my mother while she was alive and she never said 'no' and she never said 'yes', so the answer is 'probably', but I would have survived it. I would have survived being expelled, too. And losing my 'friends', but I lost them anyway when friends was the thing they were not.

If this has any relevance at all today, it is to say that, where is is lawful and physically safe to do so, tell him that you love him, if love him you do. Tell him gently and with his needs in mind, but tell him. He probably doesn't return it, but he just might!

Tell him before you get old and fat and unattractive! He might, just might, fancy you.

I really damaged myself very badly. I have a wonderful wife who deserves a heterosexual man, and a fine son who is my friend as well as my son. But I am a gay man, and I should have lived the life of a gay man, whatever that involved.

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School

		Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Fri, 18 January 2008 15:45
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: acam on Fri, 18 January 2008 18:21
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: jack on Fri, 18 January 2008 21:01
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: NW on Fri, 18 January 2008 21:54
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Fri, 18 January 2008 22:57
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Fri, 18 January 2008 23:46
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: jack on Sat, 19 January 2008 11:48
		Enough, Jack. By: timmy on Sat, 19 January 2008 12:13
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: saben on Sat, 19 January 2008 14:00
		The point was not that I wish to live a different life By: timmy on Sat, 19 January 2008 22:18
		Re: The point was not that I wish to live a different life By: jack on Sat, 19 January 2008 23:04
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: jack on Sat, 19 January 2008 16:23
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: Curtis one who makes noise on Sat, 19 January 2008 16:58
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: jack on Sat, 19 January 2008 17:41
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: NW on Sat, 19 January 2008 17:55
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: Curtis one who makes noise on Sat, 19 January 2008 18:34
		Re: Enough, Jack. By: jack on Sat, 19 January 2008 19:16
		It goes a little further than that By: timmy on Sat, 19 January 2008 22:51
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Fri, 18 January 2008 23:01
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: acam on Sat, 19 January 2008 11:58
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Sat, 19 January 2008 12:06
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: Teddy on Sat, 19 January 2008 19:48
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: kupuna on Sat, 19 January 2008 23:01
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: timmy on Sat, 19 January 2008 23:16
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: kupuna on Sun, 20 January 2008 01:08
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: saben on Sun, 20 January 2008 05:01
		Re: Anthony and jack have both made me think By: Scott on Sun, 20 January 2008 12:08
		Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: JFR on Sun, 20 January 2008 13:30
		Re: Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: acam on Sun, 20 January 2008 15:52
		Re: Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: timmy on Sun, 20 January 2008 16:57
		Re: Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: acam on Sun, 20 January 2008 17:25
		Re: Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: timmy on Sun, 20 January 2008 18:59
		Re: Timmy and Anthony have brought me to this pass By: JFR on Mon, 21 January 2008 03:39
		It's almost ironic By: timmy on Mon, 21 January 2008 07:30

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