|
|
Marc and Anthony have had an interesting exchange in the Server thread that's had nothing to do with swapping servers. I'm taking the liberty of replying in a new thread. For full context, see the Server thread starting roughly with Marc's message posted Jun 03 2008, 06:06.
Marc stated, "...I really find it difficult to understand how a gay man deals with gay issues, feelings, emotions, while living a str8 life." and asked "What i guess I am trying to understand is how does oneself come to make such sacrafices regarding ones personal identity for the sake of ones public identity (I'm not sure identity is the right word here)?"
For me, it was not a conscious sacrifice. In my California, mid-late '60s, public school experience and with my school friends [all male], the subject was not discussed: one simply wasn't gay. If there's normally a period of introspection during one's youth when one figures out oneself, then I missed it. My personal identity therefore didn't incorporate gayness, and my level of denial was such that I could compartmentalize an addiction to gay porn while trying half-heartedly to date and bed women. No doubt providing clues to those who noticed, I also made quite an effort to distance myself from any hint of homosexuality when the subject came up in conversation.
Back to Marc's question about dealing with gay issues when str8ened: I did so by being angry, aloof, insecure, and self-deprecating. Badly, in other words; unhappy, with no clue why. I persevered with str8ness, and in my 30s, I met a soul mate. We married , were happy for 5+ years and had two wonderful daughters [yes, Anthony, having children is THE big life-changing event]. We finally ended our increasingly unhappy, 17-year marriage four years ago. Kathy is once again my best friend, in large part because I finally had that period of introspection and came out to myself, family, and a few friends.
My path to resolving personal vs public identity may be abnormal, but perhaps not so much. Anthony raised the question of how other married, gay men feel about their str8 vs gay lives. I'd be interested in hearing how others treated their gayness while they courted and were first married. Did you accept it, or were you confused, indifferent, or in active denial?
Brit
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
