A Place of Safety
I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love.
Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving!
We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
















You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > As if I did not know this well already...
As if I did not know this well already...  [message #50814] Mon, 09 June 2008 06:55 Go to previous message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13828



Yesterday I had a marvellous day. We went to visit old friends. Unexpectedly they had a pair of their grandchildren there. We met a delightful girl of 10 and lad of 11. They are both outgoing, bright, full of life, great company, fun, challenging, knowledgeable, opinionated, polite, naughty, the lot.

Later last night I was reading on Nifty. What struck me was that there is no possibility of the type of idealised fantasy sexual relationship with a child such as this that is often displayed there. Don't yell at me yet or go off on an outraged "How could you ever think there could be" self indulgent frolic. Stop and think. Join me if you choose in condemning people who act on their selfish desires, or remain quiet. Either condemns it. I'm talking of the important part - the deep friendship - that is essential for any real relationship to work.

I'm also looking at practicalities. We all have friends and relations. We all come into contact with kids. Some of those kids may have a twinkle in their eyes, and we must not misunderstand that twinkle, even if addressed directly to us.

On may be good friends with a child. of course one may. They may be your friend, too. They may even admire you, bond with you, adore your company, seek you out, flirt with you. But they are very different folk from adults, almost a different breed! They neither need nor expect sexual overtures. I know that kids often experiment with other kids, but they do not expect, and cannot handle (because it is not a game any more), experimentation with adults.

This hardly changes as the child gets older. When these kids get older they will learn to flirt. Their bodies will change to become more alluring, their intellectual and emotional capacities will change to appear to be ready for some sort of sexual interplay, but that interplay is with their own age group.

Apart from being illegal in almost every part of the world, crossing the age divide is unwise for so many reasons. The most important is, especially if you genuinely love the child, that you will damage the child now or in the future because of what you have done or attempted. The power between you is unequal, and your power, be it physical, experiential or intellectual, is greater than theirs.

It gets harder if the child is somehow fixated on you. Your challenge, apart from the law, is that the fixation is most unlikely to be mature to the level required to form a full sexual partnership. And rebuffing the fixation, which can display itself as heavy flirtatious behaviour, even explicit behavior, without damaging the relationship or the child's emotional development, is hard.

One can "preach", and say "this is where you must be a big brother and help the child through this period." But how?

I'm not sure I know the answer, nor that any of us do know the answer. I suspect that the child's feelings will be hurt whatever one does. But hurting those feelings is better, infinitely better, than damaging the child emotionally or physically.

I knew all this before. Of course I did. It was just brought home to me by the great pair of kids I met yesterday. One may posture and puff about the law, and the law is important. Yet more important than the maw is the absolute need to keep kids safe.

The fact that the majority of readers here are gay men is, or should be irrelevant. This discussion has the same place in the world of heterosexual desires as ours.

[Updated on: Mon, 09 June 2008 08:27]



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
 
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Previous Topic: I am my own Person
Next Topic: here is a bit of strange history
Goto Forum:
  

[ RSS ]
We support Ukraine — Мы поддерживаем Украину — Ми підтримуємо Україну
We support Ukraine We support Ukraine We support Ukraine We support Ukraine
We support the Palestinian people in their struggle against oppression
We support Palestine We support Palestine We support Palestine We support Palestine

Please read our Copyright Statement, Disclaimer, and Privacy Policy , which opens in a new screen.
There are no age checks on this forum. If the law says you need (eg) parental consent to post here then you need that consent.
Frankly, we think such laws are silly. They do young people more harm than good. How can you possibly ask questions on a gay forum without coming out to your parents if you need consent?
So it is up to you. If you post here we assume that you are of legal age to do so or have consent if not, and we do not want to know any different
We treat everyone as having good sense and mature judgement.