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Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons [message #51583]

Tue, 15 July 2008 07:24

timmy

Has no life at all

Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13828

Anthony raised in another thread the interesting concept of his being concerned that he might, at some stage, be sexually attracted to his child, and thus had some doubts about the wisdom of becoming a parent. He asked who shared those doubts.

I did.

I shared them for many and different reasons, not least of which was the ever possible threat from the then Social Services, of removal of a child from a gay parent. But I had realised that it didn't matter if I was sexually attracted to my son or not, as long as, if I were, I never acted upon the thought.

How is it different for a gay father of sons from being a heterosexual father of daughters?

The trite answer is that you can not get your son pregnant.

The real answer is that it is not. Assuming you have not adopted the child, that child looks in some part like your regular sexual partner. You are attracted in some measure to her, so will be attracted in some measure to the child. That attraction may occur at any stage in the child's development, from 3 to 33, if you like.

It is how we act on the attraction that marks us as civilised and good parents, not the fact of the attraction. Wise parents transmute any such attraction into parental love and concern. Unwise parents lock their children in a basement and abuse them.

Was I attracted to my son?

The answer is mixed. There were stages of his facial development when he was drop dead gorgeous. He was precisely the type of boy, in looks, that I was always attracted to. So yes, I was. To me he is handsome and facially pleasing. Yet that was a wistful attraction, a rational attraction an "if this were anther father's son I would be sexually attracted" attraction.

I see no harm whatsoever in that. I see harm, great harm, in crossing the line from intellectual attraction to a physical expression. And I see that as a line that is as much not to be crossed at 33 as it would be at 3.

And that means that he and I are comfortable hugging and always will be. Because the hug means what it "ought" to mean, no more and no less. And it is the same for fathers of daughters, or shoudl be.

[Updated on: Tue, 15 July 2008 11:26]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School

		Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons By: timmy on Tue, 15 July 2008 07:24
		Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons By: acam on Tue, 15 July 2008 11:18
		Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons By: JimB on Tue, 15 July 2008 13:59
		Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons By: Nigel on Tue, 15 July 2008 22:12
		Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons By: acam on Sun, 20 July 2008 20:43

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