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I was up until 3 a.m. last night trying to talk someone out of committing suicide. I'm quite sure I wasn't successful. It was a person who I'd thought I'd come to know pretty well over the last half year or so, an internet acquaintance.
Most of you know I have found myself involved with teens with troubled backgrounds and who have had suicidal thoughts. This came about because of the stories I've posted and youths emailing me in response to the stories. They usually go on to say that 'I wish life were really the way you portray it in your story and that there were happy endings in real life'. These are vague calls for help and once we can establish some IM contact I try to refer them to resources to help them see that they are aren't flawed and that they have value. Mostly I just listen to their stories and empathize with them. Empathy is what they seem to need most as they feel the world would turn against them if their secrets were exposed.
I was fooled by an adult pretending to be a teen. He was very good at it because I never once questioned in my mind that he wasn't who he was pretending to be. He confessed all to me last night because he was tying up lose ends. He has (had?) a physical and sexual attraction with young teens he told me for as long as he could remember. He managed to take it out of the realm of the internet and fantasy and to have a sexual involvement with a teen, he told me. Long story short, the teen's parents found out and reported him. He was waiting for the knock on the door that meant his arrest. "I'm not going to prison" he said... and he was adamant. No amount of talking I could do would change his mind. He'd written his letters to friends and family, quit his job, cleaned his apartment and packed his belongings. I was the last lose end. He was sorry he fooled me, he said, but he needed someone empathetic to talk to.
If it makes it into his local newspaper, most people will say good riddance - he saved us the cost of trial and incarceration. But I'd become too involved over too long a time span to simply write him off, despite his failure to be honest with me. He was honest to a degree: he was giving me a portrayal of the boy he was when he'd first realized he was different from others. I guess his purpose was to have me tell him that he was an okay kid then, just confused and needing answers and guidance. And he WAS an okay kid, but he was afraid to reach out for that help that could have put him on the road to becoming a normal, homosexual male. Over the years he allowed his life to spiral out of control to where he wasn't able to say "no" to a nephew that wanted a 'hands on' learning experience. Last night he payed the ultimate price. And now that nephew has this to carry on his conscience as well.
Please, if you are an adult with a sexual attraction towards children, there is most definitely help available. Use it before you destroy your life and the lives of the people around you. Make that call to the local mental health clinic. The people there will not judge you - it's their utmost desire to help you keep your thoughts, feelings and desires under control. It will make you feel good about yourself, perhaps for the first time in your adult life.
I'll probably retire from the internet for awhile. This has affected me too deeply. I need to decide if I truly have it in me to continue to talk with these kids or whether it's too heavy a burden on my own heart and soul. I'm afraid I'm going to have the same IM chat one day with a teen who's going to end the chat as this fellow did last night - "goodbye. And thanks for being my friend."
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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A Sleepless Night
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: acam on Mon, 05 January 2009 20:03 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: PeterSJC on Mon, 05 January 2009 20:59 |
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YOU did fine, however he turned out, whatever the outcome.
By: timmy on Mon, 05 January 2009 20:07 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: PeterSJC on Mon, 05 January 2009 20:45 |
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The Moral Majority
By: timmy on Tue, 06 January 2009 08:11 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: Roger on Wed, 07 January 2009 23:59 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: timmy on Thu, 08 January 2009 00:15 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: james on Thu, 08 January 2009 19:46 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: acam on Tue, 20 January 2009 21:28 |
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Re: A Sleepless Night
By: timmy on Wed, 21 January 2009 15:29 |
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