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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13828
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You see I found a picture of the 57 year old man who is the person the boy I fell for at 13 has become. The picture probably does not show him at his best, but it shows him at work in a natural pose.
I'm not concerned about his face. I've altered facially and so has he. There is enough in the face that I can see where the boy once lived. But I'm sad about his posture, his expression, and how lifeless this carefree, athletic, rebellious, cheeky kid seems to have become.
He's at the top of his profession, or at least a single promotion away from it, and he should be looking on top of his game and proud. Instead he looks like a sad, tired, grey faced council employee, though his hair is still brown!
I found myself staring at the picture under which his employer has spelt his name wrong (I love local councils!) and weeping for the loss of the boy and for the quiet "boring uncle" the picture shows, He should be happy, and fun and alive.
He was everything I ever wanted to be when we were kids. Everything. I would have offered to die in his place if he had simply asked me even unkissed.
I'd still like to meet him. I have this weird feeling that my puppy dog pursuit caused him to take some of the decisions he took. Perhaps, if he were ever to let me, I'd see the boy again.
I hope that boy lives inside him. I haven't quite liked him for many years, but I have always loved him.
O the valley in the summer where I and my John
Beside the deep river would walk on and on
While the flowers at our feet and the birds up above
Argued so sweetly on reciprocal love,
And I leaned on his shoulder; 'O Johnny, let's play':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.
O that Friday near Christmas as I well recall
When we went to the Charity Matinee Ball,
The floor was so smooth and the band was so loud
And Johnny so handsome I felt so proud;
'Squeeze me tighter, dear Johnny, let's dance till it's day':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.
Shall I ever forget at the Grand Opera
When music poured out of each wonderful star?
Diamonds and pearls they hung dazzling down
Over each silver or golden silk gown;
'O John I'm in heaven,' I whispered to say:
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.
O but he was as fair as a garden in flower,
As slender and tall as the great Eiffel Tower,
When the waltz throbbed out on the long promenade
O his eyes and his smile they went straight to my heart;
'O marry me, Johnny, I'll love and obey':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.
O last night I dreamed of you, Johnny, my lover,
You'd the sun on one arm and the moon on the other,
The sea it was blue and the grass it was green,
Every star rattled a round tambourine;
Ten thousand miles deep in a pit there I lay:
But you frowned like thunder and you went away.
"Johnny" by W H Auden
[Updated on: Wed, 07 January 2009 15:26]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I'm a little sad today
By: timmy on Wed, 07 January 2009 15:25 |
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Re: I'm a little sad today
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Re: I'm a little sad today
By: timmy on Thu, 08 January 2009 13:00 |
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Re: I'm a little sad today
By: amias05 on Thu, 08 January 2009 17:32 |
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Re: I'm a little sad today
By: timmy on Thu, 08 January 2009 17:46 |
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Getting to grips with it
By: timmy on Sat, 10 January 2009 11:16 |
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Now I am more than sad
By: timmy on Fri, 06 February 2009 14:42 |
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Re: Now I am more than sad
By: arich on Fri, 06 February 2009 15:05 |
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Re: Now I am more than sad
By: timmy on Fri, 06 February 2009 15:24 |
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Re: Now I am more than sad
By: arich on Fri, 06 February 2009 16:40 |
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Re: Now I am more than sad
By: timmy on Fri, 06 February 2009 16:47 |
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Re: Now I am more than sad
By: arich on Sat, 07 February 2009 15:21 |
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