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I've been active on this forum off and on for a little more than a year, and I usually limit my posts to lighter items. But this one is very different. It's the admission that I have decided to alter the course of the rest of my life. This is also different because I am a very private person, so to tell the world I am coming out is very difficult. I emailed a few of my closest friends I have made on the board to tell them about my decision in advance of my posting. They have all been very supportive of me, as they have been during the past few months. Without their support, I very well would not be here to write this post. Thanks, Timmy, for the connections you foster by the creation of your forum.
I have been battling with myself this past holiday season whether to stay the course of my life and be miserable, or to come out and let the "chips fall where they may". It took last weekend when I was skiing in New Hampshire to make me realize how miserable I have been. A mutual friend arranged to have 3 of us ski on Saturday, and then he couldn't go, so the 2 of us whom had never met before skied anyway. I knew he is gay, but I didn't know anything else. Long story made short, on the lift, I blurted out that i am gay and married. He said that he was gay and had been married. Basically the conversation on the lift during the evening covered the range of his breakup, to how much better he felt about himself. Basically our conversation gave me the resolve to begin my coming out process.
This week I came out first to my one colleague who is a lesbian. Her partner just had twins last week. I knew she would be supportive. I then came out to a few more people in my area of the school who I also knew would be confidential and supportive. I suppose I needed to do that as practice. Before anyone jumps on and congratulates me, I have the biggest hurdles to cross, those of telling my wife and family. I have decided it would not be wise to announce to my wife of 32 years on Valentine's day weekend that her husband is gay and no longer wants to be in the marriage. But it will happen soon. I feel an incredible guilt every time I think of telling her I no longer wish to be her husband. Oh, there is no other guy in my life, so I'm not leaving her for someone else. There is great chemistry between me and the guy in NH, but he is so much younger, so I have no delusions there.
Every time the past week when my wife said something like, "well, when we retire we can......" I cringe, knowing I won't be in her future plans. People to whom I have spoken tell me I must think about myself first, and that is the most difficult aspect, having put others first for most of my life - my parents for wanting their oldest to be married first, my wife to have a comfortable life, my kids to make sure they are well educated, my in-laws to be proud of me as an exemplary son-in-law. By now, I'm sure that Freud would have a field day with the revelations in my post.
Anyway, I appreciate all this forum does. I'm not sure what I am looking for from the forum. I don't feel worthy of congrats, the toughest part of my coming out is ahead of me. I just wanted to say that even when I was lurking , you all are appreciated.
Hugs,
Scott
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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I came out this week
By: Scott on Sat, 14 February 2009 16:02 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: unsui on Sat, 14 February 2009 16:28 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: timmy on Sat, 14 February 2009 16:50 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: acam on Sat, 14 February 2009 16:54 |
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Re: I came out this week
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I won't do anything rash
By: Scott on Sat, 14 February 2009 23:06 |
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Re: I won't do anything rash
By: timmy on Sat, 14 February 2009 23:44 |
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Re: I won't do anything rash
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Re: I won't do anything rash
By: Macky on Wed, 18 February 2009 04:05 |
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Re: I won't do anything rash
By: Benji on Fri, 20 March 2009 23:16 |
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Re: I won't do anything rash
By: timmy on Sat, 21 March 2009 00:13 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: arich on Sun, 15 February 2009 18:27 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: timmy on Sun, 15 February 2009 18:45 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: arich on Sun, 15 February 2009 19:58 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: acam on Sun, 15 February 2009 20:52 |
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Re: I came out this week
By: brit on Mon, 16 February 2009 18:21 |
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Next step
By: Scott on Mon, 23 February 2009 01:20 |
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The counselling agenda
By: timmy on Mon, 23 February 2009 07:11 |
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The other shoe has fallen
By: Scott on Wed, 18 March 2009 02:45 |
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Re: The other shoe has fallen
By: timmy on Wed, 18 March 2009 09:01 |
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Re: The other shoe has fallen
By: Macky on Wed, 18 March 2009 13:51 |
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Re: The other shoe has fallen
By: arich on Wed, 18 March 2009 17:01 |
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Re: The other shoe has fallen
By: Senne on Thu, 19 March 2009 21:44 |
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Re: The other shoe has fallen
By: Senne on Thu, 19 March 2009 21:46 |
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