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I remember back almost five years ago, when I felt completely alone in the world, looking for just one person to understand. I was still young, only 14, probably a bit more naive than (I hope) I am now.
I found this site - A place of safety; and I would secretely, in the dead of night sit infront of my computer in the lounge and read posts. I finally got up the courage to make an account and post my first message. I remember the response was overwhelmingly positive. I made my first - and untill very recently - only good gay friends. They were long distance, but they were closer to me over this electronic network called the internet than any friends I had made untill then, or since. I remember sitting infront of MSN till the early mornings, waiting for my friends in the USA and UK to wake up as the time differences allowed, and just told me about their days. I would be so glad I had made friends who understood that I cried.
Then my life fell apart, my internet connection got cut off for years, and when I finally got things sorted out at least a bit, and got my internet connection back online, it was to hear that by best friend had died, my first friend had doubts about life and I think probably hated me. So I drew back into my shell. Alone. I don't know which immortal forces - if any exist, 'cos I dont belevie in any gods anymore - are compelling me to come back to this site and spew my problems over random strangers like I did once, but they are. I'm probably feeling nostalgic, and I might just click cancel instead of submit, but I would like to talk to someone, anyone, again as good friends. Sigh.
Life goes on, and so must I. Primary school, alone, scared, friendless, and now that I look back on it, probably depressed without anyone knowing it, to the point I am now, at university with scholarships the only money i have, but striving to make something of myself, with a boyfriend I like and aren't afraid to hold hands with in public or in the cinima or restaurant for the first time ever. I know this is kind of random, but I'm glad I can get away from my parents - or what is left of them - except for 14 days out of the year, every year, for the next four, and finally be my own person. I Feel so free. And yet nostalgic. Uncertain. What I have now seems so fragile, so new, still so incomplete that I almost want to laugh at the seeming futility of my life. And as my fingers type of their own volition, I sometimes wonder - Is life really worth this strugle. Don't get me wrong, I'm way past the stage where I wanted to secretly commit suicide alone at night and leave a tearstained note to my family, telling them how much I hate them and how much I love them at the same time.
Maybe theres new hope. A slight, single, candle flickering in a wind on a clifftop far away. I guess what I'm really needing and asking and begging for is for someone to tell me, what NOW, what NEXT, where do I go forward when I feel my life is in a rut and I'm running furiously for the first time and getting nowhere really really slowly. Like a marathon sprint through gelatine. I'm not making much sense, am I? I didn't really intend to. I just wanted to get everying off my chest. It HAS kind of helped. A bit. Maybe. Sigh. I'll just post this now, see who responds, and if someone does, I actually think I might be brave enough to take advice for the first time in a long time.
This is really the end. Sigh. What is the end anyway, I'm only starting to understand that the hazy finishlines in life are actually more of the same breathing spaces you need once in a while. Wow. This post is getting really long. I guess I should end it here. Or not end it, as the case may be. Damnit, I just can't seem to make my fingers pour out my verbal diahorea, so I'm gonna click on submit before I type any more senseless dribble. Really. I will. Going. Gone... ... .
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Navyone on Fri, 01 May 2009 20:40 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: acam on Fri, 01 May 2009 22:11 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: acam on Sun, 03 May 2009 08:08 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: acam on Sun, 03 May 2009 19:49 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: M on Fri, 01 May 2009 23:57 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Aussie on Sat, 02 May 2009 01:11 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: e on Sat, 02 May 2009 03:37 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: e on Sun, 03 May 2009 21:24 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Roger on Mon, 04 May 2009 17:14 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Macky on Tue, 05 May 2009 01:21 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: e on Tue, 05 May 2009 05:38 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Macky on Tue, 05 May 2009 15:29 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: JimB on Sat, 02 May 2009 04:24 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: ray2x on Sat, 02 May 2009 04:40 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: JimB on Sun, 03 May 2009 04:26 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Program writing
By: acam on Sun, 03 May 2009 20:04 |
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Re: Program writing
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Re: Program writing
By: acam on Mon, 04 May 2009 08:06 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Deeej on Sat, 02 May 2009 13:01 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: timmy on Sat, 02 May 2009 18:16 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: timmy on Sun, 03 May 2009 08:28 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: Macky on Sat, 02 May 2009 23:41 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: pipo on Mon, 04 May 2009 20:05 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
By: saben on Mon, 04 May 2009 02:14 |
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Re: Time goes on, and I remember
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