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Losing an obsession is not a bed of roses [message #57686]

Thu, 02 July 2009 22:11

timmy

Has no life at all

Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13818

Make no mistake, I am relieved that I am no longer in the slightest bit attracted to John. He's gone, pretty much buried. Writing my book plus seeing a picture of him as he is today have shown me that his personality was unappetising and selfish, and his looks today are unappealing. He has gone completely, and more thoroughly than he could have done by meeting me and telling me things I needed to hear but never wanted to.

This is a good thing.

But it's damnably lonely, too.

I was lying in bed last night and I realised that I have no sexual fantasies any more. You see I only ever fantasised about him. Even the boy I replaced him with in my day to day longings was but a pale and convenient temporary replacement for the brat of my dreams. Everything sexual I have ever wanted to do I have wanted to do with him. I never could have, obviously. But now I can no longer imagine it, and I can't replace him with anyone.

It's very odd. When I was 12 masturbation was a mechanical act of interesting physical sensations. Ages 13-56 have been rich seams of fantasies that I have mined with diligence. And now, rising 57, I am back to mechanical gratification with impaired functionality.

It is good to have finally fallen out of love with him. But I wish it felt as good as I know it is.

[Updated on: Thu, 02 July 2009 22:14]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School

		Losing an obsession is not a bed of roses By: timmy on Thu, 02 July 2009 22:11
		Re: Losing an obsession is not a bed of roses By: Fingolfin on Fri, 03 July 2009 07:39

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