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I know I have been lurking in the dark corner for months now, last post I made was probably just after my bf of a year and I started going out.
Life has gone on, we moved in together, go to class, try to be normal. But Ive started to realise that its not all smooth sailing, and isshues we manage to hide very well from our friends are starting to bother me. I guess I need advice.
One isshue thats been bothering me lately, because it irritates Jacques and makes him unhappy is that we don't have sex nearly as often as we did when we started to go out. Its down to only once every two weeks or so. I know this is perhaps more than some other people, but its far less than what I would consider normal for our relationship in the past.
There are many reasons, one ive slowly started to realise is perhaps the one that bothers me the most - I intellectually and emotionally want to be intimate, but my body just doesn't want to get horny. Weird - I'm even lauging at myself just reading it, but true. Perhaps its medically based? I'm afraid and kinda embarrased to go to a doctor and explain it. I can't get an errection for him, and I'm fairly shure that it is not that I'm unable - it still works fine when Im alone. Perhaps I'm not that atracted to him physically? I hope its not that, cos I really love him. Still, I can admit he isn't the greek god of emagination and a little overwheight. Its come to the point of making up excuses to avoid sex three times a day. I just dont know how to solve it.
Perhaps its because I just don't get pleasure from sex - it hurts too much to be bottom, and Im so sensitive that penetration is so intense it hurts and makes me go soft. Sigh? Depressing really, a 20 year old that prefers mastrabation above sex.
Its been bothering me, and I know it makes him unhappy and termanally horny. Its the reason Ive been avoiding accepting his proposal to marry and "subtle" suggestions that I should ask him. I'm just not comfortable with the idea - perhaps the sex isshue isn't the only one. I'm 21 years old, for god sake, I don't want to marry before im - scrap that, I don't want to marry at all, I can get the same legal and tax privalages from the fact that Ive been living together for a year. And to me thats all marriage is - a paper with a few legal priveleges. sp?. Even IF I marry, I want a stable job, house, car, income, drivers' licence, have finished my education, etc. How would I break that to him? Softly? Till then, I'm being vague and thats probably also hurting our relationship, the uncertainty. I'm just not a guy that likes to take these kinds of things head on, without fifty second oppinions, years of thought and chances to change my mind. Sigh. Perhaps I'm afraid of commitment? Other isshues are bothering me, but this text is getting too long, so perhaps I'll post it in another thread, another time.
Thanx for always helping me, guys.
You were all my first friends in the world, even though I haven't chatted with many of you in years.
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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