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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13828
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Silly things take a while to leave us. I will never be free from two people, one of whom I will always love despite no longer being 'in love with', and the other I will always admire, and with whom I was seriously in lust.
It used to matter.
There are two dates that mattered very much. One is November 25th, John's birthday. He is the boy I adored and who truly does not exist today in anything like the form I thought I knew. The other is Paul's birthday on June 14th. Paul is the boy I was outed over most cruelly.
I used to give John birthday cards and mail anonymous cards to Paul. Paul was four years younger, you see. Well, he still is! John was the boy I loved and Paul was the most beautiful boy in school.
Today, while I remember the dates with fondness I am no longer tearful over what could obviously never be. I do, sometimes, imagine what life might have been like with either of them and realise that they are heterosexual!
It's been a hard road.
Getting 'rid" of my childhood obsessions has been truly a titanic battle with myself. Like alcoholism I am not sure I've won and treat each new pang as it comes. I have worked out, finally, that I never really liked John, for example. I have realised that I never knew Paul. And I have reconciled with myself that I was simply an intrusion into their lives.
So the point of posting this?
I can't tell anyone else how to deal with unrequited love. I'm an expert at suffering it, not at handling it!
What I can do is to tell anyone who will listen that unrequited and unanswered love can be eased by telling the object of one's desires that one loves him. Rejection is as important as acceptance. Once you know for sure then you can move on.
I still manage, sometimes, to tell myself that each of these two boys gave out signals that they were attracted to me. Rationally I know this to be total bollocks. But, when I am in the grip of depression, I wonder in torment if I missed their wanting me.
I'll not be free of them, nor of Fraser, Tony, Allan, David, Nigel (yes, there was a real Nigel, oddly never a Chris!) and all the rest I was deeply attracted to, none of whom I ever told. Except John, and Paul that is. Only they never answered because I was far, far too late to speak, and too late to be rejected. But it's Ok today.
It's taken me since 1970 to get this far. Is this a record?
[Updated on: Wed, 16 June 2010 21:22]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Roads travelled
By: timmy on Wed, 16 June 2010 21:14 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: acam on Wed, 16 June 2010 21:44 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Wed, 16 June 2010 22:05 |
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Re: Roads travelled
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Thu, 17 June 2010 06:56 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: ray2x on Sat, 19 June 2010 06:44 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Sat, 19 June 2010 22:18 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: ray2x on Sun, 20 June 2010 05:06 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Sun, 20 June 2010 06:17 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: ray2x on Wed, 23 June 2010 06:06 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Wed, 23 June 2010 07:22 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: ray2x on Fri, 25 June 2010 06:43 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Fri, 25 June 2010 07:58 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: Cameron on Mon, 21 June 2010 11:53 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: acam on Mon, 21 June 2010 13:26 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Mon, 21 June 2010 17:40 |
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Re: Roads travelled
By: timmy on Mon, 21 June 2010 16:17 |
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