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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13818
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In fact it is not Thanksgiving for anyone except the USA. BUT today it happens that Thanksgiving falls on the 59th birthday of the man who was once the boy I loved. And this is another year that this date is less and less important to me.
I used to give him birthday cards in school. He used to thank me. I never had a birthday, nor a christmas card form him, but I sent those, too. And I sent Valentines cards as well, not that I ever expected anything from those.
I have had, for the past couple of years, a letter that I had written not to send, but I decided that, this year, before he turns 60, I would send him a birthday card, would tell him of my new address, and would, after some substantial thought, send the letter. He can hardly accuse me of stalking him! I last tried to get through to him in about 2002, maybe 2003.
I gave a lot of thought to the words that he will choose to crumple up and bin. I sent them in a birthday card on a pair of printed sheets because a birthday card is hard to ignore. And, because a friend suggested that the card's arrival on the day might be upsetting for him, I have mailed it to arrive on the day after his birthday. I wonder if his wife opens the post! He will leave for work on Friday well before the postman arrives, and she gets home from work well before he does.
Well, I cant be answerable for that! Nor can I be answerable if he is having a party on Saturday and this annoys him. He's failed to reply now rather more than is polite.
Last time I wrote I even enclosed a stamped and self addressed envelope for him to reply with, as well as email, mobile phone, and landline numbers. This time I saved the stamp and envelope!
Some of you will tell me how foolish I am, and that I am getting my hopes up over something that will never happen. And I acknowledge freely that I am foolish. But that is limited again to believing that he is a gentleman, something I think is a foolish belief.
The thing that will not happen is a reply of any description. It's silly, really, because he's turning down a free and pretty decent dinner during which he is at perfect liberty to tell me to piss off. Me? I'd accept the invitation. But I suppose I'm open minded.
It's not as if he is attractive today. I've seen his picture online. He wears a brown suit and a brown tie and appears to dye his hair brown, too, to go with yellow teeth and a sad and wan smile that has seen better days. The boy I knew left that body a long time ago.
And all I want, something I am not going to get, is an acknowledgement of some sort that he understands that he was once important to me, and is sorry that he cannot be important to me in any real sense today. If, instead he leapt into my arms and declared undying and unrequited love I think I'd be shocked.
It's no good advising me not to post the card. It is sitting in the box awaiting collection at 5:30pm tomorrow. But I shall not wait for the email or letter in return, and I know for sue he will not phone, just as I am sure I will not phone him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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