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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13818
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You probably know that folk email me and ask me for advice. You probably know that I don't give advice as such, I help people find their own path. Often these folk are teenagers, newly ill at ease because they've discovered they are gay. Often they start out wondering if they might be bisexual and explore their feelings that way. Some are bisexual, some heterosexual, some homosexual.
Recently I've had the privilege of mentoring two young men, each on different sides of the world. Each of them chose to become stronger because of the conversations. each chose to take control of his life. Each unconsciously used the same method to come out to their parents - they left their computer open and the parents read their chat history. And in each case their revelation to their parents has reinforced the relationship with their family, though in different ways. In each case the being gay part has gone well.
As a side issue the parents, no doubt seeing paediatricians under every bush, have mandatorily and politely terminated their contact with me. I would have asked my own son to do the same, and that's absolutely fine. In each case, as in every case, at the outset I told them I would be happy for each and every communication to be shown to their parents and that I would answer their questions honestly, in the same manner that I answered my owns son's questions. And that they were never, not ever, to reveal home location to me, or send me any pictures, clothed or unclothed.
Both young men have come here, certainly to read. I want each of them to know I am proud of them, the way they handle themselves and the way they have handled the difficult time of coming out to their parents. I hope, when they are older, each will choose to get in touch again. I recognise that they may not.
The first of these was 13 and broke contact with me some weeks ago. He is much loved by his family and will be just fine.
The most recent one to depart, a 16 year old young man, is loved by his parents, and yet they have mishandled the rest of the problem. We'll call him Bert.
Bert has just been strong enough to go to his school's GSA. Bert's going there encouraged his very good school friend, we'll call him Fred, to dare to let Bert know that he "might be bisexual, too." After several weeks Fred declared to Bert that he loves him. Bert has just declared to Fred that he returns the love. They have held hands, kissed and cuddled. They are learning about each other before getting more explicit than that. And yet all is not right in the State of Denmark.
Fred is a young man of Bert's age, so that is fine, but Fred has difficult parents. He's afraid of them. He also has a poor self image, and has panics over the way he sees himself. And here's where it all goes wrong.
Bert has been forbidden to see Fred unless Fred's parents are told of the relationship.
This may hurt Fred very badly, possibly leading to self harm. Bert will work something out, He loves Fred, and he knows that loving this boy means he has to catch him when he falls. Fred cannot tell his parents, certainly yet.
Why do parents say they accept their child's sexuality and then forbid any expression of it? Why?
I'm pretty sure that Bert will read this post. He may even answer it. I'm equally sure that he will bring Fred here to read it. I know who Fred is, but I cannot approach him, that would be wrong of me, but perhaps he can find a mentor here, one with the same wholesome attitude I use with young men who need someone to listen to their hopes and fears.
I'd like very much both these boys to find their local PFLAG organisation. I'd like them to find The Trevor Project in case they need to call someone. And I'd like your thoughts on how they should proceed.
[Updated on: Thu, 14 April 2011 11:54]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: timmy on Thu, 14 April 2011 11:49 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Thu, 14 April 2011 12:57 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: timmy on Thu, 14 April 2011 14:11 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Fri, 15 April 2011 02:31 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: timmy on Fri, 15 April 2011 08:39 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Fri, 15 April 2011 21:00 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Fri, 15 April 2011 21:07 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: timmy on Fri, 15 April 2011 22:57 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Sat, 16 April 2011 00:56 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: timmy on Thu, 14 April 2011 16:17 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: saben on Fri, 15 April 2011 02:25 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
By: ray2x on Fri, 15 April 2011 05:16 |
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Re: When parents try hard and still get it wrong
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Thesaurus required?
By: timmy on Fri, 15 April 2011 13:54 |
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In defense of the use of "that" word ...
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Re: Thesaurus required?
By: saben on Fri, 15 April 2011 21:19 |
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Re: Thesaurus required?
By: timmy on Fri, 15 April 2011 23:00 |
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