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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13833
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My upbringing meant I had more to come to terms with than just being gay. I had to learn to understand that what I wanted, dreamed about, desired most in the sex I want and need did not make me less of a man.
I was raised in the 'boys don't cry' school of being a boy. Manly things were appropriate. Clothes that were at all fancy were deprecated by my father. I'm certain he stole a shirt of mine and binned it because it "makes you look like a nancy boy" and then lied about it. Or my mother did.
So, when my sexual needs were forming, I felt doubly guilty.
I knew, you see, that my ultimate desire was to be pinned down on my back by the boy I adored and penetrated remorselessly and roughly until he could carry on no longer. I knew I wanted to submit to him completely, totally, and very passively. I wanted him to 'own' me, if you like. It wasn't a one sided relationship I wanted, but that was, is, my ultimate sexual fantasy. In any relationship we were to be equals.
I was ashamed of that for a long time. I could fantasise about it to myself, of course I could, but I couldn't speak of it without feeling the shame of being, somehow, unmanly.
In my upbringing, men who were fucked were girl equivalents. But I am not a girl. I'm a pretty blokey bloke. I like man things. I did my own car maintenance when they had no computers on board. I drank beer in pints. I wore jeans that were scruffy, not tailored. I swore, swear. So equating being a 'real man' with needing to be possessed by another boy was emotional gymnastics.
The first time I said to anyone "I am a natural bottom" I cried real tears, partly of relief and partly of some sort of feeling of shame. Confessing (note the choice of word) that I wanted to be taken almost by force and dominated took me much longer. It was evilly hard to do. It wasn't 'wonderfully liberating' to say it the first time, either. It was as scary as coming out as gay.
Ok, it isn't a casual conversational element. It's not a "Hey, I'm timmy, and I want to have my legs thrown over my head and to be fucked to within an imagined inch of my life" thing! Dinner table material it ain't! Even so, as you've guessed, I understand myself now enough to know that I am a man who desires to be fucked. I'm whatever a 'real man' is, and those things are separate things. I very much doubt that J Edgar Hoover felt he was less of a man for dressing up in female clothing.
I know I've posted about this before, but we have an ever changing audience here. Even if no-one posts a reply that audience will read and see one guy who is, at last comfortable in his sexual needs (even if he isn't getting them fulfilled) and understands that those needs do not define who he is.
Even so, I'd like to see your thoughts about me, or about you and your needs, posted, if you dare 
[Updated on: Thu, 24 November 2011 12:25]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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