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Blue Can of Paint  [message #74535] Sun, 08 July 2018 09:09 Go to previous message
Trask Guy

Getting started
Location: A Huge Island on Earth
Registered: June 2018
Messages: 2

Hey Everyone,
This is my first time posting on the forum. A newbie, I guess. I found this site several weeks ago, while doing a search for "speedo boys" photos on the internet. One of the photos referenced back to a post titled, "Total Inspiration".  I initially looked over the pages of boys with great delight and lust, but soon my interest in the site spread to other areas.  Where I found my first taste of erotic gay stories. I glanced through the different challenges in the index. I started with "In His Room" because the photo just seemed to pull me in. I read the story "Star Light, Star Bright" first. WOW, what a read! I related to both characters in different ways, but see my personality and interests more on par with Benny. I have read several more stories and the Sex/Health Info page over the last several weeks. I find myself wishing I could write a story like the ones I have read!

Well... I have tried writing this post several times, but then I can't go thru with it and delete it. This last attempt at writing this post, I thought of this analogy, about these old feelings. These feelings are like an old can of paint sitting on a shelf. The color of the paint are these feelings. I didn't like the color and was worried of what others would think of them as well. So... I put the can on the back of the shelf, hidden away.  The pigments and solids began to settle to the bottom, suppressed. With the chaulky, watery liquids at the surface, being my feelings of relationships of any type.  Then, I stumble upon this site, and it begins to stir up some old feelings, concerns and confusion!?

As I have written this several times, I have questioned, why am I even sharing this with strangers across the internet? Well... I think it's because I want to share it with somebody. And I really don't have anyone close, that I trust to share it with. So... I know this is a rather long post, but those that read it to the end, I am very grateful to!


I am a 31 year old male; actually it is my birthday today. It's kind of ironic to me that I am thinking about this and writing this on my birthday, instead of partying. When I think of it that way, I feel kind of lonely. Anyway's, I am 6 feet tall and grossly, overweight. I live in my disabled mother's home and take care of her and her daily needs, because she can't walk very well. My favorite hobby is gardening - anything with plants.

We have to go back many years to about 5th grade, to better understand what makes me who I am or why I haven't faced my sexuality; heck relationships for that matter. I went to a private, Christian school thru 7th grade. I was a social boy, playing on the playground, you know doing all the normal things kids do. My best friend, best bud was Joshua. We did everything together: Fishing, hiking, biking, sleepovers, you name it, we did it. Obviously, at that age, I don't think there was any attraction that described a gay relationship. It was just a honest age related, best buds friendship. But, than during summer vacation after 5th grade, his parents moved there family a crossed country for his dad's new job. I was devastated! I have never been as emotionally vested in a best friends relationship since. 

Just like other boys in my class, I began to talk to, flirt with, even "date" girls during the 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. Sure I felt the attraction to them. I kissed a girl and liked it at the time. Wanted to please them and give them little things. But, guess what happened to three of them. They moved away just like my best friend had to.  I was beginning to wonder what the heck, all the people I have liked leave me!

When 9th grade rolled around, I changed schools. I began going to a public high school. It was such a huge change for me. I didn't know anyone. Socially it was different with "clicks" and a much larger division between grades. Then the straw that broke the camels back for my interest in human relationships happened. My parents got a divorce that winter. I knew things weren't perfect between them, but I never thought that would ever happen. It was hard times for everyone involved! At that point, I decided I would not get married - ever.

Sure, I had "school friends". You know the ones you meet up with before school, at lunch, or in class, but I only went over to one of these friends house once. Basically what I'm trying to say is I distanced myself from most friendships. I have not "dated" a girl since 8th grade. I have not had any friends outside of school either. I'm not saying I became completely antisocial; more like I was distancing my emotions from friends. And always too busy to meet up after school.

Now this is where that can of paint on the shelf starts to fit into the story. Grades 9th and 10th were quite preoccupied with coping with a new school, schoolwork, and family changes. But in my 11th grade English class I met this boy named David, who one day became my assigned group work buddy. (Oh boy, here comes that blue-colored paint!) I thought he was sooo cute! Oh! Those blue eyes! Those brown, almost black, bushy eyebrows! That would scrunch up when he was trying to find an answer. That smile, when I would joke about the teacher. Oh boy! Did I mention those fury legs?!     "WAIT...  I...JUST THOUGHT ABOUT A BOY THIS WAY! What the F... I'm not gay, I liked girls. Right? Sure!" Well long story short, I never did anything about this. Though sometimes I would just admire him from afar. Well, you know, from the seat next to his! The next concerning part that happened to me was the first time David ended up in my masturbation fantasy. Well you can imagine - Oh, boy!?!?

During the remainder of high school, a change in how I looked at boys did begin to evolve. Features of their face, their hair, their torso, any bare skin, all began to excite me a little. But keep in mind, I never once acted on any of this. I tried to keep all glances etc inconspicuous as possible. No one ever called me gay or a fag. I really was frightened of this. That paint can was put on the back of the shelf. I finished out high school, and left all "friends" as distant memories. Never to be spoken to again, except for our occasional paths crossing at the grocery.

Not to much has changed in the twelve plus years since high school. Just the usual growing up, adult stuff takes over. The only thing that has changed is that the masturbation fantasies are primarily gay oriented.

I have kind of been on auto pilot since I shelved that blue can of paint years ago; not really facing my sexuality or making any friendships. But this site has stirred that can. I have been analyzing my life and where it is headed if there is no change. It has made me increasingly lonely over the last several weeks. After my family dies off, than who will I be left with?

Growing up as a Christian and trying to live a Christian life makes me feel like I am repeatedly sinning. And let's just say I was going to come out of the closet as a gay man, how would my Christian, homophobic family take it? Will I go to hell?

As you can see that blue can of paint is stirred up and filled with feelings, concerns, and confusion. Those that read it to the end, thanks for listening! My guess is you may hear more from me as I sort this out.
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