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icon5.gif Questioning  [message #75868] Tue, 20 August 2019 08:14 Go to previous message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I first visited this place half my life ago. At the time I had only recently discovered my attraction towards guys and there was a lot of turbulence associated with that.

Now I'm looking at almost the opposite situation. I'm considering becoming ex-gay. Not really ex-gay, I know that my feelings would never really change. But I guess I'm considering living as you, timmy, and some of the older gentlemen here did in the past (out of necessity), but as a choice. I think I want to live in a traditional marriage and raise a traditional family. I'm not Christian, I'm fairly strongly atheist. I don't hate myself or my sexual attraction, I fully embrace who I am (as complex as it may be at times). It seems a weird thing to be considering but thinking about it more seriously as I am now (I've been dating a lady for 6 months) I feel that before I take the plunge it may be worth hearing from those who have experienced life as men married to women but attracted to guys.

My reasons, in brainstorm form, are as follows:
- I want kids, preferably kids with my own DNA.
- I think kids benefit strongly from being raised in mixed-sex households (I'm from a single parent family and I missed a lot by not having a dad).
- My attraction to guys is almost exclusively to guys that are either only borderline legal or clearly not so.
- If I had to choose between a naked female or male my own age, I'd probably say the woman is more attractive (though I feel no strong desire to either sex).
- Even living in Japan where men are less masculine I still find zero attraction to men over 30.
- If I'm going to marry someone I'm not attracted to, why not at least fulfill my goal of kids?
- I've had relationships with guys that fit within my attraction bracket, one lasted eight years and fell apart. By the end of that relationship it had become a relationship based almost entirely on commitment rather than attraction, itself.
- My flings with hot guys are fun, but just that- flings. I feel my sexual attraction often has me acting like a junkie addict rather than building something for my future.
- I do feel a little bad about marrying someone without strong feelings towards them, but in Japan women who are single in their mid 30s tend to stay that way. I may not be blessing my future wife with a fantastic loving husband, but I will bless her with children that she may otherwise not have and I'll also bless her with a loving father for those children.
- I have a stable job now here in Japan, having a stable relationship to go along with it just seems the next part of the puzzle. I wouldn't feel comfortable in my current job living in an open gay relationship.
- Japan has a lot of marriages that are loveless, sexless or both. I feel I have more to offer as a husband and father than some of the men I know.
- Honesty between partners isn't necessarily required as much as in Western cultures. Privacy, even between man and wife is respected.

I know even suggesting that this might be right for me might raise serious questions. But the more I think about it, the more I think I can make it work. Not perfectly. But I haven't been blessed with a set of options that work perfectly in this world. I'd need to compromise somewhere in my life and I think this might be the compromise that brings me the most joy in the long term.


I guess to you, timmy, and others that have lived similar lives I ask- "would you give up your children if it means you could have been an open gay man from the start?" I know there are ways to make a family work as a gay man, but I'm not sure any of them would really work for me. I can't imagine myself having a successful long-term gay relationship more than the 8 year long one I already had. So at my age, I really do feel the choice is between my attraction and making a family. And I've lived in pursuit of attraction for half of my life- since I was first a member here. Maybe now it's time to make having my own family my top priority.

Advice, thoughts, questions, all welcome....
 
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