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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?
icon5.gif Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #75994] Mon, 14 October 2019 12:54 Go to previous message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Hi, 

Although it's the first time posting here I think I have been coming to this site for almost 20 years on and off. Many times i had thought about registering but couldn't overcome a sense of shyness (for lack of better word) so I've been "lurking" here for years and years. I guess I'm saying this because I feel sorry that I wasn't a more "active" part of this community and just enjoyed this place and all the stories never properly acknowledging that it's important to me in a way. So, first of all, thank you Timmy for creating this site and mantaining this place for all these years.

I apologize for the wall of text but I really don´t have anyone else to talk about this. I actually wrote all of this yesterday evening but had to wait until my account was approved before I could post... 
I´m a 39 yr old man and have been in love with my (39M) best friend for over 20 years. We´ve met in high school and became best friends but I realized I had deeper feelings for him and tried to tell him when we were 17.
At the time, I´ve never actually managed to say I liked him just that I was attracted to him and that I´ve had thoughts about him. He just said to me that was unexpected and didn´t talk to me for a while so I just assumed he wasn´t interested. We´ve gradually started talking again and we quickly resumed our friendship as if nothing had happened.

For the past twenty years or so he´s been my best friend although our relationship sometimes seems more intimate than that. We text each other constantly and talk on the phone every day, multiple times a day (sometimes he calls me just to talk when he´s commuting to work and vice-versa). He´s never been in a relationship and rarely if ever dates (he does not talk about his sexuality and although I know almost everything that happens in his life, I don´t even know if he´s straight or gay!). I´ve had few dates myself with women but I must say that part of me always hoped that he´d end up with me. I don´t know if I´m just too messed up in the head to put myself in a unhealthy relationship with my best friend for all these years but to be really honest, I had kind of accepted that we would have this really close relationship but without being ever partners.

 However, I´ve recently had some health issues that made me kind of rethink the way I´m living my life - work, relationships, etc. Last night I went out with him and other friends to go to the movies and he started asking me why I seemed so down. We started talking about what I expected from life and that I had been feeling lonely. He teased me about being too early to have my midlife crisis but said something along the lines of "everybody always try to plan for things in life but we don´t really know what life will give us. But sometimes we have to try to get what we want".
 So at the end of the evening, as he was dropping me off home, I told him that I needed to tell him something. I told him that this was "me, trying for what I want". And asked him if he could ever see himself dating me. I also told him that he´s a big chunk of my daily life and one of the most important people in my life  and that what we had was comfortable enough but that it bothered me that I wanted more in our relationship.He asked me if he could think about it and process what I asked him before he answered. I asked why, since it´s not like it was this giant surprise how I felt about him since I had told him when we were 17. He agreed that he already knew it but even so asked me to answer me some other time since it was pretty late in the evening and we were practically parked in the middle of the street.
I honestly was expecting him to turn me down but I felt like I have been badly suppressing my feelings for him for too long and needed a clear answer (which, in the end, I didn´t get). 

So here I am now, trying to make sense of what I did. Trying to make sense if this just a variation of gay boy falls for straight best friend. I thought I´d be an emotional wreck after I talked to him but I feel kind of relieved tbh.  I know that today will be really hard for me not to text him or call him but I guess I should wait for him to talk to me? Is it sad that since he did not reject me right away that I feel a little hope for something more? 
 
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