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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > 10 years ago and it still Hurts like a Bitch...
icon9.gif 10 years ago and it still Hurts like a Bitch...  [message #66376] Wed, 07 December 2011 13:47 Go to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309



I just don't know what to do anymore... It's been 10 years, 3 days and 23.5 hours and it still Hurts like a Bitch.

My story is, in many ways, very similar to timmy's. I fell for a guy I could never have. All it took was a fading glance a the slightest touch to know that I would do anything for Kurt.

December 3rd 2001 is a day that I will never forget but often wish never happened at all. I also know that speaking with Kurt would surely help me realign my feelings and views of the whole event but its trying to find him and keep him in one place for any period of time is the next mission.

Last night was the first time in ages that I actually let the emotions get the better of me and I totally broke down... I cried for what felt like a life time, then when I had eventually managed to compose myself I realised how angry I was.
I still can't say whether I was more angry with myself for letting the emotions breakthrough or if I was angry with Kurt for the hold I'd allowed him to still have on me (Which I guess would mean that I am double angry with myself).
And so after I'd gotten the panic attack out the way, more crying seemed like the next most logical step.

Leonardo DiCaprio's character in the movie 'The Beach' hit the nail on the head: When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years..

I'm going out of my mind at a rate of knots with my feelings growing more intense with every passing day... I'm so confused and really just don't know what to do anymore... Do you think that hypnosis would work in blocking it all out?

What's the point in living if you don't feel alive? Not that is a suicide threat I really do like the land of the living but I just find that I feel less and less inclined to do anything with myself.
I've become a recluse, uninterested in the world, feeling like I am just wasting time, hopelessly and aimlessly wondering the Planes of solitude waiting for the time when it all GETS BETTER.

It DOES get better of that I've no doubt but how long it is going to take to get better is the million dollar question:-??? Confused?? Confused??



"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
icon9.gif Will Young - Jealousy  [message #66377 is a reply to message #66376] Wed, 07 December 2011 13:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309






"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
Re: 10 years ago and it still Hurts like a Bitch...  [message #66379 is a reply to message #66376] Wed, 07 December 2011 14:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



It takes a lot of work, and sometimes a great shock to remove an obsession. I have been having a self centred tough time for a good few years. In the past several days I have had a nasty shock, the nature of which I don't propose to discuss here. It's not a health shock, or anything like that. The shock has driven the last touches of obsession form me. I can see, at last, what is important.

I feel for you. You are troubled. I have learned that we have to help ourselves first and foremost



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: 10 years ago and it still Hurts like a Bitch...  [message #66383 is a reply to message #66379] Wed, 07 December 2011 21:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dave is currently offline  Dave

Getting started
Location: United Kingdom
Registered: August 2011
Messages: 5




My second post on this forum. I said in my first that I was a little shy to post, I was. Having read your post made me realise that I, ME, am not the only one who has gone through this obsessive love that will never be recipcrocated. Just like you, and Timmy, I have been there. I am now, 40 something in age, my first love was at the age of 17. I didn't know what gay was then. Me, an old fashioned British grammar school boy.
That lasted for nearly fifteen years, we lived together in an abusive(he was an alcoholic from a very early age and used his fists,and just about anything else in reach on me)relationship. He wanted, I was just happy to give, just as long as I had his attention. That ended, abruptly. But not without pain anf grief for me.
Amazingly, I moved to a different part of the country, and, well, met and lived with a young man for nearly ten years, but he left. I was a control freak, I drove him away with my obsessive love for him. I guess I just wanted things to go my way for a change (like forever) and have it all.

Too long a story to tell on here, too hard to disclose in public. But I do feel your pain and hurt, I still see my (lover) friend, who is now straight. I even............no I can't say THAT!

I am going through, and working through the pain of love that is not returned. Every day is a step forward, maybe a little step. But a step non the least. Find it in your heart, for surely if your heart is big enough to love another, the space to love yourself. Take it one step at a time. Cry if it helps, but you dont have to cry alone. I did that SO many times. It didn't help me crying alone.

Be true to your friends, they will be true friends for you.

D.G.
Re: 10 years ago and it still Hurts like a Bitch...  [message #66384 is a reply to message #66383] Thu, 08 December 2011 07:29 Go to previous message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309



Thanks David Smile I found sharing always helps.
As terrible as it may sound, knowing that there are others out there that Hurt as I do and made it better enforces the hope and strength I already have to make it better for me Smile One day at a time as they always say Smile

I'm very luck that I have as strong a support network with my family and friends as I do, otherwise I really don't know if I would have made it this far.

The good folk of the forum have also helped more than they will ever know and thanks to them are also due.

I know that there are going to be more 'bad' days ahead but today is a Better day, a Good day Smile
It is these days that show us our true inner strengths and capabilities and allow us to fully appreciate the love we DO have all around us Smile



"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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