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I'm so sick and tired of not being what "they" are looking for Physically... and when I say "they" I really do mean almost every gay man on a dating website!
I'm not sure if this ship has already sailed or not for most of you but I just can not fathom it any more. You're not so much a allotted the time day if you don't have a picture on your profile and you get even less of that time if the picture you post isn't of your luscious genitalia or of your rippling abs.
It just blows my mind while I wish it was blowing something else 
I used to bounce around the online dating sites looking for 'my next big thing' in respect of trying to get myself back out in the world, meet some people and maybe - just maybe - I'd find a relationship.
After almost two weeks back on the web and surfing around I disappointedly noticed that NOTHING has changed...
"Can I get a pic of your Dick?"
"A So L (Age, Sexual orientation, Location) ?"
"You keen for a F**K?"
"You into Kinky Shit?"
"You had 24in before?"
- And these are just a few of the requests I got in my first THREE HOURS... But Wait , if you Keep reading there is more (That was my cheap stab at morning shopping channels  ) As soon as they see your picture and read that you are not Mr-Muscle-Universe all interest wanes like a child that has just licked all the icing off a cupcake...
Am I a one-man-show when it comes to feeling like this?
Have any of you experienced the same or this exact response when signing up to online dating?
And really I just want to know if I'm being over optimistic in thinking that online dating can actually still work?
The Devil is in the Details and now we have FACEBOOK... Bastards...
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13750
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You are far better advised to find a gay social organisation and go and socialise with no expectation of finding a date. That way dates will gravitate towards you. People like you exist, and they are just as pissed off as you are. They also want a decent man to meet, date and maybe fall for before they want to get into his pants.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Kitzyma
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Likes it here |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 215
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My impression is that you're looking for a relationship and not just a bit of no-strings sex.
From about 8 years ago until about 3 years ago, I had quite a bit of experience (pun intended) with gay dating sites. I leave it to others to decide if my experiences are, therefore, out of date. Anyway, at the time I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for, i.e. just sex or mainly relationship. Perhaps, in retrospect, I wanted something in-between, e.g. a regular bonk-buddy. In practice it turned out that if there was mutual attraction then I'd take whatever I could get. Whatever deductions people might make about my character based on the above statements, are probably wrong. 
Bearing in mind that physically, at my best I'm very ordinary and in some respects considerably sub-optimal, my conclusions were:
The vast majority of the people on dating sites want just sex, so you must expect that they will be shopping around for their physical 'type' who preferably has similar sexual interests.
There is a lot of chaff and very little wheat, so it's neccessary to search lots of profiles to find someone with whom there is some mutual attraction. If, like me, you're not 'prime meat' then you will have to make first contact and promote yourself, because it's unlikely that anyone you'd really fancy will be beating their way to your door.
Finding someone for just sex is easy if you're not fussy about personality and not exceptionally fussy about 'type'. And even if the 'type' you go for is relatively narrow and specific, it isn't too difficult. In the latter case you just have to see what they're looking for and (within reason) be prepared to provide it.
Finding a regular bonk-buddy is not so easy, but is possible, especially if you have some mutual special sexual interests. Also, I've found that those most interested in being bonk-buddies are quite often either gay or bi guys who are in the closet. When they realise that one can be trusted, they find the bonk-buddy formula can get them regular sex with mininum risk of being outed.
Finding a relationship on a dating site isn't impossible (my ex-bf did it successfully) but it's rare, especially if physical attributes are as important or more important than other attributes in the mind of either potential partner. Many who say they want a relationship are more interested in just sex. They may not actually be lying about wanting a relationship, but they are (like I was) not really sure what they want and are just hedging their bets. If the first thing they ask is the size of your dong, then it's unlikely that a relationshhip is their top priority.
To summarise:
If you really want a relationship, there's nothing wrong with looking on dating sites, but the probability of success means you would be well advised to look elsewhere as well. e.g. (as Timmy already said much more succinctly than I) look for social activities where you can meet people in real life, because under those circumstances personality and overall physical appearance will be the point of first contact, with genitalia and sexual interests becoming pertinent only after a friendship (or hopefully emotional bond) is established.
For those who may be curious, in just over 5 years of regular use of dating sites the score was:
Relationships = 0
Bonk buddies (more than 5 meets or lasting up to 3 months) = 4
Just sex (meet 2-4 times) = approx 7
Just sex (one off) = approx 30
The last two categories are approx because it relies on memory, and some were not particularly memorable. Also, the the boundary between just-sex-several-times and bonk-buddy can be a bit blurry.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13750
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"Kitzyma wrote on Mon, 04 February 2013 19:33"
Bearing in mind that physically, at my best I'm very ordinary and in some respects considerably sub-optimal, my conclusions were:
--
I'm going to take issue with just this part. We have never met, but we are all ordinary in our way and we all have some suboptimal aspects of our physical and emotional state. I think you are wrong to run yourself down; the way you phrase it is sufficiently self deprecating to be harmful to you. You have proved to yourself that others find you attractive. WIth luck that has been mutual. The only person who may make this judgment about you is the other guy who holds up his ideal template and either finds that you fit, near enough, or that you do not.
That is the only part of your advice I am going to reflect back to you, and I do it only for your interest.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13750
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There's nothing wrong with online dating. Megaman and I created a dating site once - a successful site but a commercial failure, so we removed the services and use its adverts as a partial funding source of our server. There's nothing wrong with wanting to find ways of getting a warm, living, breathing body next you you, either. As Kit says, dating sites can work, given a decent sieve.
There are several date I've always hated. 25 November, the birthday of the boy I obsessed over. 14 June, the gorgeous kid I transferred some of my affections to, 5 August, my own birthday where things always ought to change and never do, 25 December, because the one present I always wanted never arrived and the one I wanted to give could never be given, 14 February, because I have never, not once, received a card from anyone at all, though I sent two (to 25 November and 14 June boys). I used to get angry and withdrawn on those days.
Today I know I have survived them for many years and will survive them still. Irony would be to have a fatal accident of some sort on one of them.
Now, practical advice. Decide whether you want a quick shag or a relationship. Then put on your best eyeliner and glitter makeup and go and cast your net where those fish swim.
And, because you are feeling morose, remember that even a pity-fuck requires a condom. Take loads with you. One is never enough. You might want to do lots!
[Updated on: Tue, 05 February 2013 10:13]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13750
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That is a coincidence and a quarter, isn't it! Yours probably hasn't grown up to be a probation officer, though. Mine now looks old and tired, bless him. The boy has vanished. The man is vanishing too.
May I make a suggestion?
Heck, who needs permission!
I think the major thing you need is companionship which may or may not lead to snuggles and sex as the friendship grows. I have many gay friends. I have sex with none of them, but it gives me great comfort to just be myself in their company. Just allowing yourself the luxury of being able to unwind in great company is better than sex in so many ways.
Your nation seems to do everything so 'fast' to an outsider, but there must be functional social arenas where one can just meet gay blokes?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I'm thankfully still blessed with a Young-Man but the boy too has already been lost to antiquity.
I'm sure there are a few places that I could just go and hang-out all I really need to do now is research to find them. I also have a very limited number of gay friends and I hate to have to say that despite my friendships with them being so great they are all also 'Body-Bound-Boys' and as soon as the discussion turns to sex, which it inevitably does, I find myself on the outside looking in.
It's like rediscovering myself all over again and I'm starting to get a little board of it all which is why I think I revert back to electronics every time.
So much easier to self-service behind a computer than it is to actually go out into the world and make some effort.
But now coming back to 25Nov - It is my 10 year Reunion this year and I am so stoked to see him again. As much effort as I have inexorably exerted in trying to Block him out of my life with every mention of his name or flash of his face I still get butterflies However I have made the conscious decision to tell him how I've felt all these years (13 now). The only thing is I am not going to tell him in person but rather in a letter. I've also toyed, may sleepless nights, with this idea of speaking directly to him or writing the letter. I just fear that speaking to him will end with me in tears, losing what I want to say and then just mucking the whole thing up. At least with a letter I can edit, edit, edit...
What to do what to do... timmy do you ever regret not speaking directly to 25Nov or were the calls and attempts you made enough to sooth your soul ... to a point?
I just don't know if I will get the closure and satisfaction I need from a letter that I can actually never be sure if he read... DO I need him to read it or is it just more to clear my skeletons..?
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13750
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I tried so very hard to meet him. I wished to tell him in person. I had planned to with me a small piece of paper I was going to give him if I failed, but I was going to try very hard, very gently and very quietly. He denied me a meeting and has done so resolutely ever since.
The letter I sent helped. All the other attempts helped. But nothing beats the good, old fashioned slap in the face with a wet fish, something I have never had. There is knowing and knowing. I know in my head, just not in my heart.
I had, broadly, the italic sentences in my letter ready on a piece of paper to give to him if I had chickened out. But, had he granted me the meeting, I was absolutely not going to chicken out
The only thing that has 'finally' exorcised my obsession was my writing my age 13-18 autobiography. At the end I realised that I never actually really liked him that much and that he was always rather shallow. I had to work through a great deal of emotional baggage to come to that conclusion.
So, if I have anything to advise you with it is this. Go to the reunion prepared for him not to be there. Have in your pocket a neatly folded, uncrumpled piece of paper which explains what you have failed to tell him as a 'just in case' item. If he's there, go up to him and ask him if you might speak to him privately: "Percy, I need you to help me with something, if you would be kind and spend a moment or two with me privately. Could we step aside form the throng for a moment or two?" And then tell him softly and gently that the thing you need his help wth is to bring closure to a part of your life that is troubling you. At this point he may ask what it is.
Even if he fails to ask, the tense you use next is important; we are looking firmly at the past. "I hope you won't laugh at me. The problem I've faced for the last 13 years is that I fell in love with someone at school (or wherever) and i haven't been able to move on in my head because I never felt able to tell him. The issue is that I am only just brave enough to do so today. I'm rather afraid you are the person I fell for. All I hope for from you is kindness when you tell me there was never any returned affection beyond normal friendship."
You do not gush, nor do the "I love you now and for ever" part. Why? Because that is not fair to him. You need to be crystal clear that you have no claim on him of any sort, and you may need to reassure him that you are the gay one, he is just the heterosexual lad you were unlucky enough to fall for but lucky enough to know.
IN the unlikely event that he had feelings for you he may not be ready to admit them, even to himself. Whatever happens next you take at face value. Don't try to read messages between the lines, there are none. Today is today. Then was then. You are not about to skip happily down the street hand in hand.
[Updated on: Tue, 05 February 2013 18:19]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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We're all after a soul mate. That one special person we click with in everything; the one who understands us as well as we do ourselves. I'm lucky in that I have one, but unlucky in that she's a woman. I once thought about leaving to 'find myself.' On reflection I didn't and I'm for ever grateful because I am who I am and she's as much part of me as anyone could ever be. I love her deeply, yet there's that missing bit that I yearn for.
However great the sex is and however much you fancy the pants off someone, if friendship and true love ain't there it's ultimately fruitless - ha! a perfect, if unintentional, pun. 
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: Music and Cats." - Albert Schweitzer
It's like Mad Max out here: guys doing guys, girls doing girls, girls turning into guys and doing girls that used to do girls and guys!
- from Alex Truelove
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JoeWriterMan
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Getting started |
Location: United States
Registered: September 2010
Messages: 20
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My wife was my best friend. We had an off-and-on 27 year marriage (25 years together in one home). The last 7 years were the best ones ever - I finally got honest with her. Her answer was "Well, it's about fucking time you figure it out!" Cliche, I know, but, hey, if it fits then it fits.
During the accumulated 2 years of not living in the same house, I was a whore... fucking and being fucked to content - and leaving their house, or kicking them out of my place, feeling like a tub of shit. The loneliness was unbearable. And I'm not talking about 'being' alone, I'm talking about feeling like a man on a deserted island.
So, I quit doing it.
I already had a best friend. She was more than a best friend - she qualifies, in every way, as a Soul Mate. When she passed in 2000, a lot of me went with her. I've been with one man since then... we had a good thing going, then he started drinking and doing drugs ~again~. We'd made the agreement that if either of us did that again, then the relationship would be over, no questions asked. So we parted in 2006. And that's been it. Jerry is still doing his thing; we haven't 'talked' in 2 years.
Physically, I've still got good looking legs - but my bubble butt and youthful appearance went south many, many moons ago. I do not have a bad image of myself, and I am not arrogant and going out there thinking that I am the greatest there is.
Personally, I am okay where I am. I've got a puppy dog (no, not THAT KIND LOL), am about to get another one. And, over the past few years, I've taken up my long-wanted hobby of writing... just never had the time, so I jumped into it with all 4 feet.
And... I relate to what Timmy wrote about his '25Nov'. The boy next door, who we did *everything* together, in fact we were accused of being Siamese twins while growing up... well, I haven't seen him since 2005 at his father's funeral. We shook hands - and, oh my God, I popped wood, my hands tingled, and my breath went away. His eyes popped open ... like Holy Shit ... I haven't had the nerve to contact him again - he's in a long-term marriage (I'm not a home wrecker). He's happy. This is all that matters. Maybe we'll pass out of this world in the same nursing home I love him; I'll always love him - but I've accepted where we are in our lives. As long as he's happy, then all is well. BTW, I'm reasonably happy, too.
Joe
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