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Firsts  [message #68035] Sat, 12 October 2013 09:20 Go to next message
timmy

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Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
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A new site wide poll:

First boyfriend

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend?

12 or under
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26-30
31-35
36-40
41-45
46-50
51-60
61-70
71 and above
Never had one


Current Results

[Updated on: Sat, 12 October 2013 09:21]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Firsts  [message #68036 is a reply to message #68035] Sat, 12 October 2013 10:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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Okay, this may seem stupid, and sorry if I'm over-thinking (as I often do) but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by boyfriend.

Does a boyfriend have to be someone you had sex with?
Is it someone who was a friend and with whom you had sex a few times?
Is it someone you cared for and who cared about you and there was lots of sex?
Is it someone you cared for and who cared about you and there was mutual attraction but without sex?
Is it someone you fell in love with and who fell in love with you and you saw each other often but there was no sexual contact?
Is it someone you were madly in love with and who felt the same about you and that involved passionate sex.

Actually, I've even encountered people who say they have an online boyfriend whom they've never (or only very rarely) met in person. However, I'm a bit dubious about that use of the word 'boyfriend'. Would you include it for the purpose of this poll?
Re: Firsts  [message #68037 is a reply to message #68036] Sat, 12 October 2013 11:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13647



Quote:
Kitzyma wrote on Sat, 12 October 2013 11:33Okay, this may seem stupid, and sorry if I'm over-thinking (as I often do) but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by boyfriend.

Does a boyfriend have to be someone you had sex with?
Is it someone who was a friend and with whom you had sex a few times?
Is it someone you cared for and who cared about you and there was lots of sex?
Is it someone you cared for and who cared about you and there was mutual attraction but without sex?
Is it someone you fell in love with and who fell in love with you and you saw each other often but there was no sexual contact?
Is it someone you were madly in love with and who felt the same about you and that involved passionate sex.

Actually, I've even encountered people who say they have an online boyfriend whom they've never (or only very rarely) met in person. However, I'm a bit dubious about that use of the word 'boyfriend'. Would you include it for the purpose of this poll?

--
For me the answer is "whatever one believes the word to mean". Boy and girl pairings by no means always have any form of sex, yet they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Some sexual relationships do not involve boy/girlfriend status at all. So I chose not to be prescriptive.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Firsts  [message #68043 is a reply to message #68035] Mon, 14 October 2013 10:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13647



There are two areas that interest me.

The first is the sub 12 years. Under 12 years old, what is a boyfriend? We know it isn't just a friend who is a boy. I chose this age cut off on purpose because it is the cusp of puberty, the boundary where matters sexual turn from mechanical into emotional.

The second is those who have never had a boyfriend. I postulate that this is divided into those who have not yet had a boyfriend, perhaps because they are not yet out, or are at school, and those who missed the boat, perhaps because they are of my generation and were too scared to tell anyone.

You, of course, will know the answers. I do not.

[Updated on: Mon, 14 October 2013 10:59]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68047 is a reply to message #68043] Mon, 14 October 2013 22:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13647



When I was 12 I had no concept of boyfriend. This lasted until a little into age 13. I had no concept of girlfriend either, though I was expecting happily to be heterosexual. I knew a few girls. None were friends. I knew loads of boys, some were friends. 

I understood sex, and liked the concept. I anticipated it eagerly with some yet to be met girl, never with a boy. I was a pro at masturbation, discovering the sport at 11 or so. I have never given it up. But it was always a solo activity at 11, 12, and way beyond that.

Boyfriendness and girlfriendness were not on my radar in whatever way one might define the terms. So I am more and more intrigued by the current 15% who had their first boyfriend when they were 12 years old or less.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68050 is a reply to message #68047] Wed, 16 October 2013 00:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
kiwi is currently offline  kiwi

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I guess i'm not as unusual as i thought - i was way under 12 when i loved a boy.
Re: The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68051 is a reply to message #68050] Wed, 16 October 2013 08:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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"kiwi wrote on Wed, 16 October 2013 01:12"
I guess i'm not as unusual as i thought - i was way under 12 when i loved a boy.

--
I recall loving one, but he was my best friend, and we lost touch at 13 by change of school. I loved him, but was not in love with him, and he was my friend, not my boyfriend. He had bright red hair and was unpopular at school because of his vicious temper.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68052 is a reply to message #68050] Wed, 16 October 2013 11:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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"kiwi wrote on Wed, 16 October 2013 00:12"
I guess i'm not as unusual as i thought - i was way under 12 when i loved a boy.

--

I guess like all other words, 'boyfriend' depends on what different people mean by it.
For me, just loving another boy doesn't mean that he was my boyfriend even if we were very good friends. I've loved lots of guys, some of whom hardly even acknowledged that I existed and they certainly didn't feel the same about me. I've been in love with some guys who made it clear they just wanted to be friends. None of those could by my use of the word be described as boyfriends.

As I use the word, there have to be three components:
1) the emotion isn't just the sort of 'ordinary' friendship I have with other guys;
2) there has to be some sexual attraction, though there doesn't have to be any sexual contact;
3) the other guy must have similar feelings toward me.
Re: The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68054 is a reply to message #68052] Wed, 16 October 2013 14:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13647



Quote:


Kitzyma wrote on Wed, 16 October 2013 12:20
"kiwi wrote on Wed, 16 October 2013 00:12"
I guess i'm not as unusual as i thought - i was way under 12 when i loved a boy.

--

I guess like all other words, 'boyfriend' depends on what different people mean by it.
For me, just loving another boy doesn't mean that he was my boyfriend even if we were very good friends. I've loved lots of guys, some of whom hardly even acknowledged that I existed and they certainly didn't feel the same about me. I've been in love with some guys who made it clear they just wanted to be friends. None of those could by my use of the word be described as boyfriends.

As I use the word, there have to be three components:
1) the emotion isn't just the sort of 'ordinary' friendship I have with other guys;
2) there has to be some sexual attraction, though there doesn't have to be any sexual contact;
3) the other guy must have similar feelings toward me.

--
Exploring number 2, above, the challenge in my eyes is the onset of 'sexual attraction'. 

I am clear that I was never sexually attracted to Michael, my red haired friend, but I am equally clear that I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone at all. I understood sex, had a reasonably early puberty and was probably producing semen at 12, though in limited quantities, and had a healthy hobby in relentless masturbation, but I wasn't attracted to anyone.

I had a few fumbles with Ian at that age, but had never and have never been attracted to him sexually despite his being cute.

I was hugely attracted to a lad I met in a sailing school when I was a few days short of 13, but it felt more like curiosity rather than sexual attraction. Adult me recognises an embryo attraction there, but I can't even recall his name, or face, just his legs! I know we would not have been boyfriends, assuming he has the same frisson as did I, because there was no relationship there.

So the state of 'boyfriend' does require an awareness of self, sufficient to recognise sexual attraction. When does that start?

My own answer is about six weeks after my 13th birthday. It never got me a boyfriend, though. But I was ready for one then.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: The 12 years and below bracket  [message #68058 is a reply to message #68054] Sat, 19 October 2013 04:29 Go to previous message
Smokr is currently offline  Smokr

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Boyfriend=A person with whom you share attraction, deep emotional connections beyond ordinary friendship, and at least the desire for sex if not actual practice. Kissing and/or hugs are mandatory.

Otherwise it's friendship or mutual fumbling about.

As for earliest dawnings of sexual desires, I'd say it was almost to the day I turned 13. Before that I was fascinated with self-exploration, like yourself Tim, though I didn't produce anything other than drops of clear fluid until just after 13th birthday. It was nearly a birthday present in a way. Long period of abstinence during family visit out of state and when I got home... well, you know. It was during that visit to family that I fell for the first boy. Oh, gawd, I can picture him to this day, and hear his laugh and his accent, but I'm sure I've idealized and subconsciously changed his exact appearance. Maybe it was the lack of masturbation that led to the desire to do things with/to him. I'll never know. But I had been abstinent for a couple of days having to sleep with my cousin in his room, and really having enough fun that I didn't find the time to 'do it'. But when I got home, that night, thoughts of him and teaching him what I knew as I did it, well, that's one moment I won't forget. Before that night, I simply enjoyed doing it, never fantasized or pictured anything, only watched my hands and parts at work and enjoyed the sensations. But since then, imagining an encounter or activity has become nearly mandatory to a satisfactory conclusion alone, unless suitable visual media is in use.




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