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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > Literary Merit > Breaking Point
Breaking Point  [message #78054] Fri, 20 August 2021 07:50 Go to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13604



Yesterday, Breaking Point arrived in my inbox. Today it is on the site. I've read it a number of times. I'm interested in what you make of it.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78059 is a reply to message #78054] Fri, 20 August 2021 12:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ivor slipper is currently offline  ivor slipper

Likes it here

Registered: September 2013
Messages: 112



I first read this elsewhere and have now read it again here. It is a story that merits being read more than once in order to grasp all that is happening.

Initially I struggled to understand how a boy with such many major problems in his life could have such deep thoughts and be capable of expressing them in that way. But that was largely explained when he exited from school as the Valedictorian.

There were a couple of time issues. At one point the narrator refers to the Homecoming Dance as being a few weeks ago, but then meets his boyfriend on the second Monday after the dance, although just prior to that he says he was lucky not to run into him for most of the week after the dance. 
Minor matters I know, but for me they did mar the story a little.

Overall though it is definitely a thought provoking tale.
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78060 is a reply to message #78054] Fri, 20 August 2021 13:14 Go to previous messageGo to next message
NW is currently offline  NW

On fire!
Location: Worcester, England
Registered: January 2005
Messages: 1543



Sadly, it lost me around paragraph 10. The change from "you" to "he" (and subsequently back again) was something I didn't get, and there were times I had to re-read sentences that I found opaque. I did persevere to the end, but it wasn't really my cup of tea, though obviously others find more in it than I do.



"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78062 is a reply to message #78054] Fri, 20 August 2021 15:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
joecasey is currently offline  joecasey

Toe is in the water
Location: American Midwest
Registered: December 2017
Messages: 31



A very rough first draft - in need of a good editor - of a promising story that deserves more attention. The story needs more room to grow, perhaps into a longer short story or a novella. There is perhaps an "embarrassment of riches" in the number of troubles besetting the main character; they seem rather confined in a story of about 2200 words. Writing in second person is tricky; I've tried it, in a story I submitted to this site. I like it for the immediacy it lends to a story, but it demands careful attention to detail and editing. Perhaps in future we'll see a tighter, cleaner version of this tale that could prove very compelling.
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78067 is a reply to message #78062] Fri, 20 August 2021 19:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teddy is currently offline  Teddy

Really getting into it
Location: USA
Registered: October 2006
Messages: 474



Aside from a few spelling or gramatical problems that most stories on sites like this seem to have, with the exception those authors among us with more than amature ability, this is a tale worth reading. Bravo to the author for this one. Good job.

It caught my attention and held it. Building on itself in a way that compounded the desperation of the protagonist, pulling the reader in to feel his despair. For those of us who've found ourselves in similar desperate straights, this story speaks to us in ways that perhaps those who've not been there cannot relate to in any tangible way.



“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78080 is a reply to message #78067] Mon, 23 August 2021 16:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Geron Kees is currently offline  Geron Kees

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: February 2016
Messages: 122



I also see a lot of potential in this story, in this author. There are a lot of ideas in a very small space here. Almost overwhelming amounts. It needs more room to work in.

Other than a few mechanical aspects (especially perspective) of the writing that can be addressed without much trouble, I feel like the good Doc has given us a very decent little story here. 

I hope there will be more! :)
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78081 is a reply to message #78080] Mon, 23 August 2021 23:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teddy is currently offline  Teddy

Really getting into it
Location: USA
Registered: October 2006
Messages: 474



"Geron Kees wrote on Mon, 23 August 2021 09:23"
I also see a lot of potential in this story, in this author. There are a lot of ideas in a very small space here. Almost overwhelming amounts. It needs more room to work in.

--
From my perspective this tale fits very well with the concept of flash fiction. Ben's description above is almost the quintessential definition of flash fiction as I've come to understand it. PerhPs the tale was not specifically written with flash in mind but maybe it was. It's perhaps a tad bit longer that flash but then I've seen definitions of flash and suggested maximum word counts for it that this story would fit within. 



“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
Re: Breaking Point  [message #78084 is a reply to message #78054] Tue, 24 August 2021 19:54 Go to previous message
cole parker is currently offline  cole parker

Getting started
Location: California
Registered: July 2018
Messages: 26



I found it quite powerful.  I wish it had been edited before being submitted as that would have made it sing rather than hum.  I didn't have the problems with it some others here have mentioned.  I think it's the right length for what he wanted to say.  And I found it well-imagined.  Good job.
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